Journal

the :> is a bird, but yeah i just dont know anymore. i try to be happy but it only lasts until i come home and reality sets in. i have too many people relying on me to do anything rash so there goes that option. honestly all i can hope for is to breakdown. im tired of switching from happy to sad to indifferent to angry to despairing to depressed. its just too much anymore i dont know what im going to do. if i continue on this path, then i wont have any choice but to end it all. i've talked to many people who help very much but its always the same idea. "theres so much to live for, so many people need you, theres always another option." i am tired of people telling me i'll be okay when i know i wont. psychologists and therapists say the same thing. only they delve deep enough to bring back memories that worsen thing. for one i dont understand how the people who know what has happened in the past can forgive or talk to my father. frankly im dumbfounded i havent killed him with my own two hands. theres no reason i shouldnt with everything he's done, and the fact that i havent killed him horrifies me. if anyone can shed some light on anything please help. and no i dont want anyone telling me the previous stated things.