Cat2779's Journal

So far I have only used this site when I am already feeling like crap-- like after I have had a panic attack and have been binging and I hate myself for it.  In my recovery, I will have to develop self-care tools-- healthy ways to deal with stress, anxiety, sadness, etc.-- so that I don't have to turn to the maladaptive self-care pattern that started so long ago.  I was a frail, lonely, insecure, awkward 13 year-old when I started down the path of ED... and my relapses tend to make me feel like I have regressed... as if I am once again that shy, scared 13 y.o. girl with no sense of control over her life and tenuous (at best) sense of self.  But I AM NOT THAT GIRL ANYMORE.  I am 29, and I know who I am, and I know that I have choices in this world.  I am in control of my life, which means that I have the power to change my disordered eating.  BUT I AM GOING TO NEED HELP. 

I have to admit that I have ED-- not just on "bad" days, but everyday. Whether or not the symptoms manifest themselves, I have the mindset of someone with distorted self-image and ED. My ED never went away.  From the day I was 13 and decided to severely restrict, I have had ED. My eating habits have gotten better (and worse) over the years, but the voice telling me that I should be thinner and more disciplined has always been there-- and that voice is never satiated.  I need to aknowledge that I have ED everyday, not just on "bad" days.  

My sister is an alcoholic, and she was only able to get sober after admitting that she is an alcoholic, that even if she does not drink, she will always have the addiction.  So she has do take it "one day at a time" to ensure that she not put herself in a position where she is likely to drink.  Similarly, my ED is clearly more than a teenage phase.  I also need to take it one day at a time and develop healthy tools so that I don't put myself in a situation where I am likely to b/p.  However, it is not as simple as abstaining from food-- then I just end up restricting, which also contributes to the ED.  I need to eat to nurture my body, and find other ways to nurture my soul, my spirit, my self.  This website could be part of that process, but I will have to use it more often... not just when I am feeling crappy and desperate.  Recovery, and growth, will happen when I am willing to use healthy tools (like DailyStrength, friendships, journaling, drawing, painting, etc.) in my daily quest to find balance, health, and self-worth.