feeling kind of sick today. I might …
feeling kind of sick today. I might make an appoiment to my dr to see if i am having a baby o not. I feel movement and …
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sam23 
8:33am, November 6, 2009
So I had a mini emotional breakdown over easter weekend. It started over the stupidest thing. My fiance and I ordered chinese food saturday and when it arrived, my order was all wrong. All of a sudden I felt tears well up in my eyes and I started having trouble breathing. I started yelling and crying about how my order was wrong and how everything always goes wrong. I dont even know where it came from but for 30 minutes or so, my tears were pouring out like a flood. My fiance didnt even know what to do. Of course non of this had anything to do with my food, but for whatever reason having my order arrive wrong just set me off on an emotional breakdown. The truth is its been coming for weeks now. The anniversary of my second loss was in March, and I didnt cry..not even once. I tried my best to ignore it and focused on my wedding. So many new babies are in my life and I have 2 pregnant people in my life aswell. It hasnt been too hard dealing with all this, but over the weekend I just lost it. I have not once felt sorry for myself ,but while looking at easter photos of some of my friends babies, I just couldnt help but wonder WHY? Why did all those pregnancies go right, when my went so terribly wrong. I know that I didnt cause my miscarriage and that they are common, but I just dont get how life chooses who gets to experience such a painful loss and who doesnt. It doesnt help that the endless remarks about my fiance and I having babies, is becoming more frequent now that the wedding is getting closer and closer. I know people mean well, but half the time I'm not sure I can even endure the emotional battle of trying again, and other times I want a baby so bad my heart aches. I know it might sound stupid, but the part of this that is the most difficult for me isnt the actual loss, but the feelings of fear and doubt when it comes to pregnancy that has been left behind by my losses. The truth is it just SUCKS to have the innocence of pregnancy shattered. I should be able to look forward to trying for a baby after my wedding, but instead I'm full of fear and anxiety about it. Most of the time I do great, but there are some days that it all catches up with me, and I guess this weekend was one of those times. I'm sure in a few days I'll feel much better, but for now, I just cant help but cry...
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Oh sweetheart all of this is completely normal. It is completely unfair that we lost the innocence and our naiveté about pregnancy. I would love to tell you that the minute you are pregnant again all those fears and worries go away...but I would be lying to you. The fear never goes away, but I can tell you right now the blessings of it all are completely worth it. It doesn't take away the pain from my loss or my heartbreak but I also feel that my pregnancy that I lost has given me a deeper appreciation for what I have in my life now.
4EVERinLOVE
Sam sweetie relax,you have alot going on and I think your right its been building and it had nothing to do with the food being wrong but there it was and a reason for you to finally let go and you did and you needed to let it out stuffing and suppressing things and feelings isn't good because eventually when something comes up as it did for you ya explode,try to stay focussed and think good positive thoughts and keep planning your wedding and when you go through hard times like that lean on your fiance even if he doesn't understand at the time he will respect you for talking to him and sharing instead of withdrawing,be happy sweetie and smile and always know I am here for you.Kim
Softballgirl
Oh, big hugs, Sam. Cry as much as you need to. The grief sneaks up on me too, and even though I am so happy for this new little one, it doensn't take away the pain of the one I lost. That will never go away. I'm glad your fiance is there to lean on. You are absolutely right-it SUCKS having that innocence taken away. I look at others who start planning the nursery pretty early and it's taken me 24 weeks to be able to exhale just a little bit. Oh, I know how you feel. Hang in there, sweetie. Tia
tdan
Oh hon, your journal brought me to tears too because I think we can all completely understand what you are feeling. it is totally understandable to have all of these emotions, especially considering you just had an anniversary. As much as we try to be strong and move forward, it still hurts more than most people can acknowledge. In reality, there is no rhyme or reason as to why these things happen to some and not to others. I know it is scary to think about trying again, but you will find the strength to do so when you are ready. When you are succesful, you will be the most amazing mom! Take it easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up. You have so much going on and it is natural to feel surges of emotions. you are the sweetest, more caring girl and you will get to be a mom. I know it hurts so much right now, but when it happens for you, you are going to be amazing. Hang in there hon. Sending tons and tons of hugs!
djifoof
You can't control grief, sweetness. Its totally natural and freakin terrible. Women who get pregnant easily and give birth just as easily do not understand what a gift that is. I hope you get that gift before too long, hang in there, be patient with yourself, and let the grief come on. It will pass through like a storm and leave you for awhile.
AuntSarah
Oh so normal- we know how you feel, and it's even more difficult when there's no answers as to why some people don't feel the pain and others do. AuntSarah is right - if there's one thing to be gotten from the whole thing is that we most certainly have a greater appreciation for the end result when it comes, and most cetainly don't take a thing for granted. I can honestly say that after my two losses, I never thought I'd appreciate the son I had before them more than I do now.
hopeforsmiles
I totally understand your fears and worries. Thats exactly how my husband and I felt when trying to become pregnant again. I agree with the other ladies that I feel like I appreciate this pregnancy and my baby even more since my loss. I hope that you have a beautiful wedding and have a healthy, wonderful pregnancy. It will happen for you, stay strong!
hopeful8
Oh honey....your feelings are totally normal. I would say it will get better, but you will always think about miscarriage and when do get pregnant there will be thoughts. Thinking of you BIG HUGS
joyce19974