Journal

I ask what is wrong with the doctors in Virginia, because they all seem to have the same problem - I can't get one doctor to manage my painful neuropathy.

When I was in Seattle, my doctor knew I was in tune with my body and gave me what I asked for as far as pain management goes.  He knew I would not abuse it at all.  I was on a high dose of Kadian - a time release morphone and dilaudid for break-through pain.  He didn't have a problem giving me anything to make me comfortable since he knew I was in a lot of pain.

I can't find ONE doctor in VIRGINIA that will write me a pain managment prescription.  They are all afraid to write me a prescription for my pain.  I have called every major pain clinic in Virginia and no one will see me.  I have had to go to Infections Disease clinics with homeless people to get even sub-normal care.

The only good care I have been able to find is driving two hours to Washing DC to a clinic up there.  Although still being a minority at this clinic, I can at least get the care I need to at least be comfortable with a tolerable amount of pain.

This new doctor thought it would be really neat to experiment with me and cut my pain medication in half and start me on an anti-depressant to control my pain.  I can tell you one thing right now, it's not a good idea to cut your morphine in half without tapering off when you have been on it for so many years.  It does really bad things to your body!! 

We'll his grand idea of cutting my pain medication in half and putting me on an anti-depressant (Cymbalta) has made my life a living hell.  I feel like my legs are on fire and the pain is so bad I can't even curl up in a fetal position to get comfort.  That's not even mentioning the side effects of the cymbalta.  The awful nausea, so sick I can't get out of bed without breaking out in cold sweats.  The feeling that my head is disconnected from my body, I assume so I don't care that my legs hurt or if I happen to break something I won't care?

What I wouldn't give to have my doctor in Seattle back and to have my body back to normal.  At least I could function on 400 mg of Kadian and have a quality of life.

I'll have to ramble a little to get to the point I'm trying to make.

I tested positive almost 19 years ago, in November 1989.  I was intentionally infected by a partner who was positive.  I always had safe sex, but trusted one person, who happened to be the wrong person to trust.

So I considered myself to be gay most of my life and have decided I don't want to be gay.  I never was happy with men even though I was in a couple small relationships, well, four years any way. 

That's why I moved to Richmond, VA, to change my life.  I knew if I stayed in Seattle I couldn't do it with all the people I knew.  I'm currently living with my mom in Richmond until I find a place of my own.  I still need to decide if I want to stay in Richmond.  The healthcare here is not the best in the world, especially compared to Seattle.

I came across this board thinking there has to be others who are going through the issue of gay to straight, but not necessarily having HIV/AIDS, which makes things even more difficult to find a partner.  I know how hard it can be to find a partner as it is.

I've haven't been sexually active for some time and haven't even dated for years but would like to find the right person who can be understanding of my situation.  To add to the puzzle which is me, I'm LDS and active in the church.