Ozarksgirl's Journal

I am horribly depressed.  I don't really know why.  I have been sick lately because my immune system in pretty much non-existent.  A few nights ago I laid on the bathroom floor with a 104 fever unable to go a minute without throwing up realizing that no one would be there to help me or take me to the ER.  So yea that depressed me... i'm so tired of being alone.  I'm more so tired of being sick.  Since the fibro and arthritis have gotten bad i've noticed friends backing off... they just don't seem to want to deal with it.  So they go on with their drinking and bad choices like normal 20 somethin year olds while I work two jobs to afford my medical bills and fight off flairs.  The only person that really seems to care and want to be here for me can't.  My ex which is really my best friend when all is said and done is in the military so I don't see him much.  We were going to get married but thought waiting until he was out was a good idea.  Anyway... as horrible as it sounds I wish I would have married him at least then i'd have medical insurance.

So yea i'm lonely, everyone and everything makes me angry, and frustrated.... which all basically lead back into me being depressed.  I don't want to be like this.  I want to be the person i was befor the fibromyalsia and arthritis hit... I was at least then able to pretend to be happy.  I'm too exhausted to even fake it now.  I just want to scream....