Ozarksgirl's Journal

I have found myself in an impossible situation with really no one to talk to so i've decided to just do the journal thing so maybe I can feel a tad better.  My life seems to be a series of unfortunate events...its almost soap operaish.  I've survived an abusive father, two serious car accidents, being hit by a car (crazy story all in its own), mold poisoning, the death of my best friend, feeling the economic crisis lol i.e. being really poor, calling off my wedding, and now the RA and all its many problems.  I'm surprisingly optimisic and i'm a really happy person... I know all these things have made me who I am, the good and the bad.

I guess for years I had never thought that anyone would "get" me.  I have spent the majority of my life with the same man.  He was always there when things happened and I got used to just running to him.  Now that I look back on it he really wasn't all that great.  In theory he was there but he always ditched me in some way...he has had a drinking problem which always seemed to come before me.  We have been on a break for about a year now.  He is in the military and before this last deployment he checked himself into rehab.  I am proud of him for accepting help but I don't know if I could ever trust him again or really forgive him for the years of crap I delt with.  Well anyways... my life has always been so hectic that i've always just settled for him because I was too scared to leave my comfort zone and try to find someone else.

Now is the first time I have ever really had real feelings for someone else besides my ex-fiance.  Sure I have dated but I normally didn't take anything too seriously because I always had the ex in the back of my mind.  I met this new man in my life at work.  We worked together for months and it was like one day it hit me like a train that I really had feelings for him...before I knew it he was saying the same.  He really gets me.  He can make me laugh and I have so much fun with him.  He has also been around during the really hard times with my RA and has been so supportive.  He says he has never felt like this about anyone and can't put into words how much he cares about me....

Sounds great right?  Well there is always a catch....  he is in the exact same mess I am with my ex, except him and his girlfriend are still together.  He says he just doesn't know how to end it with her cause of all the comfort and history.  I am a smart girl... I know better, I just don't know how I let it get this far.  Today he said he was so proud of me for moving on past my ex and how he admired me for it.  I haven't let it get to the point of physically cheating... its just been this emotional thing between us, but I still feel horrible.  I'm trying to face the reality that i've made a bad decision and that surely if he does this now he could do this later if he were with me.

I just really need something good in my life right now.  I've faced so many horrible obstacles in my life and i've always put up a good fight.  I'm just starting to get tired.  I don't want to fight anymore... I just want to be happy.  I know I can be happy alone and i'm proud that I am independent and can take care of myself... but it gets lonely.  I'd like to have someone in my life that could just be there for me and give me something to fight for.