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Ozarksgirl 
9:10pm, July 8, 2009
I was told today that once you are diagnosed with a chronic disease you immediately go through the 5 stages of mourning. I guess in theory we mourn the loss of the "healthy" lives.
The stages are:
Denial I was in denial for months before finally going to the doctor. When Billy was on leave he noticed something wasn't right and that pushed me to find out. Even when the diagnosis was clear I fought it... I didn't want to die like my grandfather or beg for death like my mother did. If I could just pretend that it was a dream i'd be ok...Anger Ah anger... i'm still feeling this one. I am furious that I can not go out with friends or at least have a slight trace of a social life. I'm pissed that several "friends" have turned their backs on me because having a sick friend just isn't very fun or rewarding. I'm mad that I have to call into work or miss class.... I have always busted my ass at everything i've done and now I feel like a failure because i can't physically push myself the way I used to. I'm ticked that i have a handicap placard and I get nasty looks from the elderly that think i'm screwing the system. I'm mad that i'm not taken seriously...just because my disease is invisible doesn't make it any less unbearable.Bargainining I'm slowly creeping into this stage. I catch myself trying to bargan with the RA, like it would listen. "Please just hold off until I get off work" or "I will stay in bed all day this weekend if I can just go out with my friends for a few hours."Depression I am trying my hardest to not ask why. I don't want to be depressed and lose the parts of me that are still here...Acceptance I see the light at the end of the tunnel... I know that once I can finally accept that i'm sick and that i'll never be the same then I can work on becoming a new me, a better me, that knows that i'm not just a sick girl... i'm an amazing woman who just happens to be sickSo... I have lost a part of myself. I will no longer be that girl that can stay up all night with friends then work an 11 hour shift the next day. I will never be able to be care free. I have lost interest in so many things that used to pretty much define me... the old Kyna is long gone.
Maybe it's not such a bad thing...I have more appreciation for the smaller things in life. I have more drive now to become a better person and to fight harder for the things I want in life. Now I get to discover what the new Kyna has to offer...
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If you are like me, you will go through these stages more than once. When you get a few good days in a row, you start to question the diagnoses "Maybe I don't have RA and what ever it is is finally going away". Then depression when it comes back. I have never gotten far from anger. I seen to be prone to it when I'm under alot of stress, and with three kids in rapid succession and RA on the heels of the third, I've been under alot of stress for 7 years straight. Eventually, your friends will have to slow down, too. Wether its from kids or just aging, it will happen to them at some point. Thats when you realize that, while it was fun at the time, its not all that important. Most of us don't go through that in our 20s like you are having to do, but eventually we look back at that time and realize how childish we were and don't know how we made it through our 20s. Its a transition where you shed your immortality and alot of the magic you feel as a child. When you're 20, you feel smarter, stronger, and better than everyone. I think it all part of development, if we weren't so confident and ignorant, we would never leave our parents! You will find out alot about your true nature, some might not be so pretty. Learning to accept those things is the only way to get by them. Once you get your condition under control, you will not be so depressed and will find things interesting again. It may be different things but thats OK. Hopefully you will have a good friend who sticks by you or you will find that friend later, but you won't be all alone. If your friends desert you when you are having problems, they aren't good friends and you are better off thinning them out now. I have a couple of really good friends that will see me through anything, and accept me for who I am. Thats not alot, but its better than having a bunch of people that are unreliable. Its hard for you now, but hang in there and it will get better.
Cheryl
saavik
well hun, i agree we all go thru this iam at the stage just because people see that i am heavy that i must be lazy WELL I am not never have be, Then i sit because I can't do everything I want to in one day and i pout,and i get down on myself, so I know what you mean and I tell the doctor who knows me so well my pcp that is That iam not lazy or a drug seeker like my last pain m, dr implied and he said he knows me better then that because he begged me to start narcs for my pain and i still dont like them but we all do what we can,see iam algeric to mtx and avra and was scared of any other drugs for RA so i dont see a rheou, anymore, I have so many reactions to meds I get scared to even try!! also had reaction to all anti-inflamatories, so it does sound like a poor me note but i dont mean it to be just examples of myself go thru My stages, sending hugs
smlngclds
Hi, sweetie:
You are so right, we all go through all those stages, I remember so much crying when I was first diagnosed, Then, total anger - I was adopted and had no clue this was in my future. Bargaining: ok, I won't do this so I can do that. Maybe if I don't take the vicodin I can get through this. Depression - absolutely. I was in total down time and just could not see my way out. Acceptance - yes, I have been there for a long time. I recognize I have a truly sucky disease that means I can't do everything I used to, but ok.. I can still have a quality life. It may not be what I used to have, but I am also aging and maybe my expectations are lowered at 58. I'm going to live the best life I can.
More power and many hugs to you.
Lynne
lycesq