Ozarksgirl's Journal

I have always been a firm believer that God only gives us what we can handle.  I've always tried to believe that the reason so many bad things have happened to me is that i'm really strong.  Right now I just feel so weak.  I'm trying to deal with several aspects of my life and i'm just frustrated I guess.  For one I just found out that i'm sick... and for a 23 year old to learn that she has a life long disease that can be potentially fatal or crippling is alot.  The doctors believe I have adult-onset Still's Disease (a rare form of Rheumatoid Arthritis that affects your entire body ie organs and muscles along with joints).  The crazy part is that my mother has a bad case of Stills and there has never been a documented case of two Still's patients in one family.  So at 23 i'm sick and a medical mystery... thats just fabulous.

So i'm trying to deal with all that while working 2 jobs which average about 70 to 75 hours a week.  I don't really have time to cope since i'm in so much pain from not being able to rest.  My jobs don't seem to understand that some days I just have to call in because I can't move... they just assume that since i'm so young I should be able to deal with it...uh

So... i'm also trying to peace with some issues so that I can be happy... truely happy.  I had a rough childhood with an abusive father and a sick mother (she was bed ridden for a few years).  So needless to say during that time in your life where your supposed to develop trust and safety.... yea I didn't.  The funny thing is I have a psychology degree so I know exactly what I do and i'm a text book case really of a child who was abused...

Well... I want to date again.  I have this hope that someday i'll meet a man who will be able to accept my issues and my illness.... but that hope is just dwindling.  I started to date again after a horrid relationship that lasted forever.  I was with my ex off and on for 7 years.  For some reason I was comfortable with him (which is a big deal since I tend to be scared by everyone) so I ended up putting up with too much.  So now i'm finding that i'm so uncomfortable with people... just the thought of them touching me freaks me out.

I went on a date last saturday and the guy seemed great... 28 and a doctor.  A part of me thought he would be mature and he had even metioned how a woman with morals was so important to him.  Immediately he started obssessing on my looks... I mean its ok to tell me i'm beautiful but to obssessed with my looks and not even careing about my personality annoys me.  I was right and it went nowhere fast.  He started getting touchy which I repeatedly told him to stop.  After beating him off of me multiple times he finally asked why I was so scared for him to kiss me... so I blurted out I was molested and raped.  Ok so most guys would have probably backed off or ran away at that point.  Um no... this guy waited like 2 minutes then tried again.  Seriously who does that...

So I have been talking to someone else... he is actually a co-worker that i've gotten close to.  He knows alot about me and has still shown interest and is not afraid.  He has told me he likes me because i'm funny and smart... which is what I like to hear ya know.  Well it seemed things were going great.... but he has a girlfriend.  I mean he supposedly has fallen for me but now I feel the guilt of thinking i'm a home wrecker.  He is a really great guy so I don't want to be angry at him for what he is doing to her.  I guess it doesn't matter since i've probably scared him off too.  I was really sick and it got around work fast about it.  I told him I was in the hospital but would be fine... I sent a text that said "I'll probably scare you away with me being so sick" and he said "probably but oh well"  Now what the hell does that mean.  Anyway... I haven't even heard from him today...

I just want to find someone.  I'm tired of going through so much alone.  I just want that man in my life that can show me that not all men are like the ones that have hurt me.  I just want to be loved and feel safe.  I guess with me being so sick I just want the more serious things in life and I don't want to wait forever...