Journal

I spent the majority of my life with one man.  Unfortunately that was a mistake.  He lied, cheated, and treated me so horribly that I never realized I could or let alone deserve better.  Now i'm sick.  About a year ago everything changed with a single diagnosis... I was sick like my mother... severe rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia at 23.  I'm slowly learning how to manage this but it never really really gets better.  The longer i've been sick the worse i've gotten and the more it has interfered with my life.  Said boy actually had the balls to tell me that I "chose" to be sick for sympathy....Seriously?!?  He is so selfish he can actually make a life altering diagnosis about him.  I have pushed him out of my life but he still manages to find me online or switch phones long enough to text a rude remark.  I don't know if this is some failed attempt to make me remember him... it makes me want to hate him.  He has rewritten history so that he never hurt me or did anything wrong.  Well heres a few examples.  I caught three so called friends straddling him in a few years span... he was always the common denomenator even though he claimed he was either blacked out or taken advantage of....right.  Then there was the time my abusive alcoholic father abandoned my family and left us without money, food, medicine, or a car...he made that about him too, oh poor him.  Oh and how about that time my best friend died in a car accident only a few minutes after I was supposed to meet her.  Instead of coming to see me like he promised he got drunk... oh and he stood me up at the funeral.  He treated me so badly I hate that it took me so long to see it.  In the train wreck that is my life I never knew I deserved more... I never knew what happiness really was.  I'm all whole and healed now.  Ironically it took me becoming a psychologist to get my life together...but I did and I know what I deserve and what I can offer someone.  Its just so hard to meet someone when you're sick.  I work so  by the time I have a spare moment to get out and meet someone i'm either in too much pain or completely exhausted.  The one boyfriend I have had in this past year left me because he said he was "burnt out" on my illness....said he couldn't handle it.  Oh poor him... I bust my ass in horrid pain and still gave him my all.  He is still supported by his parents and hasn't suffered a day in his life... how dare he say he can't handle it.  I guess all this boils down to the fact that i'm lonely.  I don't like spending yet another holiday alone in my apartment holding back tears because i'm in so much pain and so sad.  Everyone keeps telling me someone will walk into my life... I find it funny that most of the people who say that are not alone.  I'm 24 I want to be happy... I feel like since I have faced health issues and scares I don't want to waste any time.  Being like this is so unpredictable and I don't want to miss out on the one thing i've ever wanted... a family.

How is it that you can feel so alone when your not technically alone.  Everyone around me seems to be so happy.  Either they are running around with all their energy that I wish I had or they are getting married and have found this person to love.  I'm alone.  My ex has recently talked about how he regreted not marrying me and missed me.  A few days later I recieve an email from his apparent girlfriend.  He once again lied but it felt worse than that... I feel like not only did he lie he needed more like I wasn't enough.  Then this other guy I was seeing has backed off...he said he was burnt out of me and my sickness.  He really sat there and told me he was tired of me.  Now I have no one.  I know that this is for the best because they are both toxic to me but part of me just feels like I need someone even if they are bad for me.  Maybe thats the daddy issues popping up on me again.  There is no big surprise that growing up with an angry abusise alcoholic would skew my perception on what is acceptable.  I've really never had a man in my life that didn't hurt me.  I'm 24 now and everyone around me is getting married and starting families and i'm just back to square one.  I just wish I had someone because i'm going through something so horrible being sick and I have no one to turn to.