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crankyoldman 
3:35pm Yesterday
THE BEACON LIGHT
by Dan Carlson
Just as the ship that breaks the waves through a cold and windswept night,
The jagged reefs and shoals we brave in search of the Beacon light.
From the bow and from the crows nest, through the fog and through the gales,
At the rudder I can take no rest as the weather attacks our sails.
My hands grip tight the wooden wheel, my knees now weak and shaking,
Each onslaught to the bow I feel, each wave the hull is taking.
The masts all bear the storm's full weight, the booms and spars all creaking,
I call out to the ship's first mate but no one hears me speaking.
No moon nor stars seen overhead, the swells upon us break,
And send a groan from each bulkhead, how much more can she take?
A hand gives me a cup of grog, I swallow hard and fast
To brave the cold and wind blown fog, for this shall be my last.
Our fate's the same, this ship and I, as I survey my life,
We've endured much, though I shall die and leave my son and wife,
To bear a witness of my days but not to grieve I think,
For they'll not miss my cruel ways each night as I would drink.
The legacy I leave behind of which I cannot boast,
The times that I was so unkind to those who loved me most.
To my family and the friends who sustained me in my need,
In compassion, but to what ends, in my selfishness and greed?
And now the wind it beats me, the salt air stings my eyes.
This cruel storm defeats me, no ears to heed my cries.
And as my thoughts return to now, the fear my death at hand,
I imagine calmer seas and somehow dream of firm dry land.
The journey's been so very long, running low on life's provisions.
The cold thick mist and salt air now with night obscure my vision.
Tugging hard upon my collar, up close around my neck.
My feet so often slip upon the brine that coats the deck.
The distant voice of my first mate from the stern I faintly hear,
And then the voice of the Bos'n's mate of a starboard reef we clear.
With ice and wind taking their toll, pulling hard to the starboard side,
Across the port she slips a shoal with her instincts as her guide.
Jutting sharp before me, the jib sail just in sight,
Salt forms cold upon my brow, I curse the black of night.
My hands and fingers frozen, my forearms scream with pain,
The air I breathe comes harder now with the wind and freezing rain.
Are the tears that course across my cheeks from the fear of my dying now,
Or from relief from all the grief the end would bring somehow?
A crack and crash behind me as the mainmast hits the rail,
The canvas sheets now blind me with a ship devoid of sail.
I turn and peer to my right, my left and far astern,
And as I squint into the night, the truth of it I learn.
My bos'n's mate I cannot see the crew swept overboard.
The ships crew now consists of me and perhaps, I pray, my lord.
I feel the rudder smash and tear, the wheel spins in my hand.
A jolt and shudder grips the hull, the bow rips through the sand.
The vessel rocks, the stern adrift. I hear a mighty groan.
As timbers crack I start to laugh; a madman dies alone!
The boat now listing hard to port as I crash to my knees,
Though I've not been a spiritual sort, I hear myself say,"please."
"To the father of my fathers, to whom my mother prayed,
Can you somehow be with me now for I am so afraid?"
"I lived a life of selfishness, though now please hear my prayer;
I pray not for my life or soul but for those for whom I care."
My cruelty and hatefulness were all I had to give,
And to those who knew me best, 'tis best that I not live."
"To those who, though very few, might grieve at my demise,
Show the error of my ways as now seen through my eyes.
Forgive me so that I might know my son and his sons after,
Will think of thee, and perhaps, then me with tenderness and laughter."
And with these words upon my lips, no time to say Amen,
The waves wash me into the sea to be never seen again.
And as I sink, in death I think, head bowed and knees still bent,
I lift my head, knelt by my bed, a nightmare, heaven sent!
And ever since that frightful night when I found God's sweet grace,
I follow fast His Beacon light till we meet face to face.
Comments
The sickest I remember ever being in my entire life was around twenty years ago withdrawing from another terrible alcohol binge, this episode, as much of it as I can recall, was the most terrifying I had experienced. Mercifully, I cannot say that it was the most painful because I have little or no recall of how long I had lain there in the sweat soaked sheets, nor the severity level of the nausea I had undoubtedly experienced. Another four or five days of bedrest ultimately was required before I could eat or think much at all.
When I was well enough to get out of bed to change the sweat and urine soaked bedding, use the toilet for a change and make myself some light warm broth I noticed a few sheets of lined notebook paper lying on my bedroom desk with pencil scratchings or writing on them.
Being curious who had left the paper there and had seen me passed out and half dead, I gathered them up and tried to decypher the trembling handwriting on the mostly wrinkled pages. It looked like my own familiar shakey cursive and I was sure it was.
I didn't remember anything about writing such a large volume of anything at all. But as I began trying to read and make sense of the amazing story it told, it became a catalyst bringing to memory parts of a dream I had while lying there for days.
The dream I began to put together was of being the captain of a Clipper sailing ship of the late 1800s I had only seen in real life one time touring the historic port of Mystic, Connecticut. Now the visuals came very clear to me, clearer than the actual memory of the layout of the old ship after I had just completed the tour.
The nautical terminology of the poem I had obviously penned myself had been alien to me before I got drunk. Those words and the images that came so clearly as I read the lines came not from my personal experience nor from any reading I could recall.
But there it is, the poem that matched what I had dreamed perfectly but not one iota of memory of having put the dream to paper comes to me even now.
I have a couple of theories of how it was done and what the significance of the experience may be in relation to my life. I'd love to share them anyone who tries to help me explain it.
crankyoldman
I loved reading this. Wow!!! Amazing isn't it, wish I could help explain but I have a couple of those stories (events) myself that still baffle me. Scare me and embarrass me all at the same time. The things we used to do to ourselves. Thank you for sharing that.
Jollyk1
It is in the dark night of the soul that we meet our God for better or worse. Your description of withdrawal as a foundering ship is beautiful and horrible at the same time. Remember it so that you never repeat it again.
hope4more
Oh Dan, Thank you for posting this again!!! I love it and when I first read it, I found myself swept up into the turmoil of the whole poem! You have a wonderful talent, my friend! Maybe it is time to try for another masterpiece??? Love you bunches and bunches, Patti
AWOYENI
oh my gosh Dan....... that was amazing..........thank you so much for writing it....... you are going to be just fine...... it gave me goosebumps.........xxxxxxxxxxx cranky sis.
lacrossemom
This is absolutely incredible! Would you e-mail me a copy of this? AngelDad would certainly appreciate it!
AngeGirl2007
Danny, I would say Yeah, God had a hand in this writing! He wasn't finished with you...even though you felt it was over, it's like time set aside for you. He gave you this. It [feels] to me that He wanted you to see it, to feel it, all for yourself, and to see Him like you've never seen Him. Perhaps you even died...but He wanted you here, with those who love you and who you love. To love life and Him more than you've ever done before. To share Him.
LOve you and thanks...for sharing yourself and God.
Btw, what do you think about it all?
rainbowbubblz
SHALOM DAN,I HAVE HAD 'BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCES AND DREAMS,ALSO SCARY ONES',THE 'LORD'REVEALS HIMSELF TO WHOM HE PLEASES,IT SEEMS FROM THIS 'HOLY SPIRIT'WRITTEN POEM OR WORD ,THAT HE TOUCHED YOU ,SUCH MOVING AND EMOTIONAL WORDS,I CAN SEE 'THE LORD'SITTING THERE BESIDE YOU,LOOKING AFTER YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY....ONLY THOSE THAT HAVE EXPERIENCED SIN AND TRIALS,ARE ABLE TO TOUCH 'THE LORD'IN SUCH A DEEP AND UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP,HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH,EVEN THO YOU DON'T DESERVE IT,BUT THAT'S WHAT HE SAID'I HAVE COME TO CALL SINNERS TO REPENTANCE',HE IS PREPARING FOR HIMSELF AN ARMY OF REPENTED SINNERS,FOR THEY ARE THE ONES THAT UNDERSTAND THE REAL MEANING OF ''THE CROSS''.ONE DAY I STOOD IN MY KITCHEN AND ASKED''LORD ,WAY SO MUCH SUFFERING AND PAIN IN MY LIFE'HE ANSWERED'ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE KNOWN MUCH EVIL ARE ABLE TO DISCERN THE TRUTH'.YOU ARE BLESSED AND CHOSEN BY A HOLY FATHER,MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH,AGAPE LOVE IN 'CHRIST' FOREVER LUCY..
JOYHOLY
wow, what a story, great poem, luv it hugs
rainyangel