11/11/06: 24 hours after losing …
11/11/06: 24 hours after losing a job through bad anger and attitude, a job that was a real horror show too. May have …
Join Now
Val 
i wish i my life would stop so i can breathe. i'm so frustrated because i am having so much trouble letting my mask down around my co-workers and boss. i am blessed to be working with such awesome people, but i just can't let them see how bad things are getting. the cutting was really bad last week, so i have been trying to hide that plus my eating disorders have been triggered a lot lately, so it has been a bad couple of weeks. i have been more agitated than usual and i don't know if it's the new medication or not. it could just be because i'm not sleeping or eating and i'm beginning to wear down big time. i still haven't really talked to anyone much about my suicidal ideation, but i'm really trying to stay out of the PHF (closest psych hospital). i have been thinking a lot about family lately. i heard this song by between the trees called "the way she feels," and it just made me break down crying. at first it was just about the line in the song that says, "the deeper you cut, the deeper i hurt." all i could think about was the looks on my friends' and co-workers' faces when they saw the cuts on my arms. it's breaks my heart thinking about that. i finally decided to go on youtube and see if there was a video for that song and there was. the video was based off of renee's story from the "to write love on her arms" organization. it had shown this girl's dad who was trying to keep his daughter from cutting herself. that video broke my heart because i don't have that dad who actually gives a damn about whether or not i'm alive...much less whether i cut myself. that's just been on my mind way too much this past week and a half. everytime i hear one of my co-workers talk about their kids or show any type of good parenting, i just break down crying because i have finally come to accept that my parents aren't going to change and i'm never going to have that. i haven't stopped crying for a week now. well, i know this is a long journal entry...sorry about that guys. take care and i'll talk to all of you later.
Comments
You might also like ...
11/12/06: Ah ha, not to comment …
11/12/06: Ah ha, not to comment on an entry but to write one. Learning the ropes. Feeling better but not much, slow …
11/12 Evening: Just returned from …
11/12 Evening: Just returned from visiting a friend's house and watched an old Basil Rathbone Sherlock Holmes, and the …
I'm sorry that things are so rough right now, but they will get better. It's ok to mourn what you've lost - that's a step forward in the healing process. You must mourn over the fact that you don't have parents that care about you. Cry. Get it out of your system. I just wish you could open up to your coworkers about how you're really feeling. You don't have to carry this burden alone. They are there to help you. You said you're worried about hurting them by telling them. Don't you think that they'd be more hurt by you not telling them? I think so. I just hope you will allow yourself to be vulnerable and open up and let others in to help you. You can't do this alone. None of us were meant to do this alone. Please reach out to others who care about you and get help. I'm with you...
babygurl20