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NotcrazyJoJo 
My life really is falling fast. My gas got shot off, only a matter of days before the dsl is shot off. I have pawned just about everything I own. Yesterday I sold my whole Nora Roberts collection(I have collected since I was 18). My landlord calls daily and just might get mad enough to kick us out. My girlfriend and I broke up but then decided to get back together. Only now I think she is just using me for a place to stay and sex. She is still not working and helping pay anything. My ex husband is threating me with taking the kids because I cant care for them and they are not happy in his eyes. I am afraid I am going to have a nervous breakdown and end up back in the psyc ward. My Bp is really bad now even with my meds I think because of all the stress. I have been feeling sick so I went to the doc. Now I am being tested for lupus, fibro miyalgia, and diabetes. He had me go into the hospital for half of day to run some tests, The results will be in a couple of days. I am just not wanting to hold on anymore. Maybe I should let him take the girls, least they will have hot water and not wonde wether they are going to have to have roman noodles everyday. School is getting ready to start soon and I don't have what they need all I have is what my ex bought when he was here. The only thing I can do is try to get help when school starts. My ex said he was not going to help me with any extra fiancial help except for child support, because I said I want to be independent and do this my self. Well I guess I cant do this !!!!!!!!!! I am losing it slowly.... I love my kids with all my heart and it's been just the three of us since my oldest was born but maybe I should just face it, I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE !!!!!!!
I just don't understand where I went wrong. I have loved her from day one. I waited around while she decided if she was ready to give me her heart. I have dealt with the ex's coming around making trouble all the time. I have put up with her love for the tv. Yes she has dealt with my bipolar and all that goes with it. I love her for that. But now I find myself wondering what was I thinking. I ask myself daily why I love her so much, I still can't seem to find the answer. In the beginning all was good, I think because it was new and my kids did not live with us. Now it's so much different we hardly talk except about her work and then it's just her complaining about how stupid people are or what idoit's she works with. Or to fight over my kids, which has been happening more and more. The phsyical part of our relationship is all but gone. I miss the days when we cuddled all the time, when we actually kissed and not just a peck on the lips. Or make love more than once a month if I am lucky. I don't understand how someone can go from being a sexual person to getting with me and all of sudden not be a sexual person. She new when we got together that I am a touchy feely highly sexual person. I just feel like I don't satisfy her anymore or maybe I have gained so much weight from being down with a broke leg and the meds I am on, maybe she does not find me atractive anymore. I know that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. It is not even so much about the sex than the pyshical contact. I need that I need to be touched and held. Just all these things together make me wonder do I stay and not be happy or do I go and hurt her??? I usually don't write this personal of things but I just need to get this all out.
Comments
Just sitting here drinking coffee. Have some of my work for the day done. Will do some more tonight. The kids are quiet and playing. I am somewhat at peace today. Have not been sleeping well even with the trazodone. But will ask the doc about it when I go back in. I am still very excited about speaking with my long lost family members, we are building a good relationship. It makes me feel good they are accepting me and my partner into their lives. They have not passed judgement on my bipolar or the fact I am with a women. I knew all these years they would accept me back in their lives with open arms . It was just a matter of finding them. I am not sure if I will be able to go back to college in August. I have to come up with 100 dollars for application fee. With my funds right now I dont see that happening. But I will see what tomorrow brings. I am really mad at myself for doing coke the other day. I was doing so good and then bam!!! off the road to recovery. But I have recommited to stopping and I will start fresh and try again to stay clean. I want to quit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
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I am glad to hear that they have accepted you for who you are. We all fall short sometimes and slip up you just start over. I have faith in you, you can do this. Here if you need to talk.
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Past Entries
| June 2008 |
Thursday, 6/12
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Thursday, 6/05
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Wednesday, 6/04
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May 2008 |
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Wednesday, 5/28
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Friday, 5/23
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Wednesday, 5/21
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Goal Updated
I am glad you shard this. Have you talked to her about how you are feeling?
cheldear
Hon you need to really talk to her about your feeling and find out how she is feeling to. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
NANCY ANNE
NANCPATT
Okay, I say one of probably two things is happening: 1. You are depressed, she is tense, and you guys are experiencing a lag that is common to couples who are overstressed. If so, this probably does need to be talked out; is she opposed to couples' counseling? Remember that there are plenty of haters and enemies out there, try not to be each others' enemies. With PTSD, I sometimes have trouble being as physically affectionate as I feel because I get tense, and my fight or flight response is in overdrive. 2.I have had the experience of being with someone who just truly wasn't as into me as she was into what money I could bring in, and other kinds of support. It doesn't sound like such is the case here, but you know better than me. I'm also glad that you can be this personal about things that many of us experience and feel alone in.
jaybear
Also, we in this family have had plenty of serious arguments about child rearing, and I totally didn't see that coming, ya know? But, 2 years later, I say it is quite possible to work out. I personally had to get over the idea that it was going to be perfect.
jaybear
As long as no one has to be the "right" one and you are able to share this with her, I think you two can go through this phase together.
Iroam
i understand where your comming from
squirely1
It' time to talk, talk and talk. It's the only way to find out what is going on in her head and heart. as well as sharing yours more fully with her. Good luck!
Iroam