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HurtinginSC 
11:50pm, November 1, 2009
OK, where do I start......Before I went on vacation I was really upset and nervous about going on the train and seeing family. Most of all being alone in unknown situations. I got so upset that no one was talking me through this, they just kept saying that everything would be fine and left it at that. No one saw that I was really scared and really upset about this. At work my thoughts turned worse and decided to find the first sharp thing I could find and make the thoughts, pain, and feelings go away. I made a single cut that day with a safety pin that we have all over work, the 20th. The next day I was not doing so well and did it again with a knife in my house.
The night of the 22nd I took off on the train, still upset and not able to sleep. I wished that I never went on the train, but wanted to see family. This tore me up inside. The lady next to me really pissed me off. She was as wide as the seat and didn't have enough sense to put her things in the overhead compartment. She proceded to put her things in my seat, since and I quote "I wasnt using all of it.' I got to my first stop in Washington DC, and met my aunt there. She took me to her church, i lasted about 5 to ten minutes before I paniced and ran out. She took me to her house so I wouldnt have to sit outside in the cold. Then on the 23rd I arrived at chicago for my second stop, didn't do much but walk around the train station looking for a quiet place. By the way there wasn't one. I just kept moving for the five hours that I was there.
The first night home with my mom, i managed to piss her off, not sure what I did or said. My cousin Cameron came down for thanksgiving. Mom forced my sister to take me and cameron out to do something, but she was worried that I would panic around my family. A little backwards mom. I started freaking out at the place when I was surrounded by four guys that kept moving closer. Luckily my sisters friend noticed and kept talking to me until I was clear from them. I became quiet after that. Then we took family pictures, which was alright. I just wish that the smile on my face could have been real. I hate feeling so dead inside.
Somehow I managed to piss off my sister, whether it was just because of the cutting or a combination of that and something else, I dont know. I am further down that rabbit hole of darkness and upset that I never seem to do anything right.
The return trip on the train was about the same as the first. Although the guy sitting next to me was really annoying. He had already started drinking before boarding the train and proceeded to drink more. A beer and some type of liqour not sure what kind. I had to hand him his military ID card that he dropped, because he didn't realize that he lost it. Him constantly reaching over me to plug something in or to unplug something. I am proud of myself for not losing my temper and yelling at him. Some of that was fear though. I was so happy when we hit his destination of fayetteville, nc and he departed the train. After that I tried to get some sleep knowing that I had an hour and a half drive home.
I got home and started to feel a little better about the familiar surroundings, then the memories started in full force. Like it was happening all over again. I started getting really upset, and not talking to many people. I went to pick up my cat from my friends house and was in no mood to talk to her or hang out with her at all. She pissed me off that the reason that she wanted me to wait till she got home was so that she could blame me for the cigarettes that she smoked. Needless to say this caused me to decided to finish quiting smoking, since I have been cutting back drastically. She is not giong to be happy with that, but I dont care. My support group therapist says that we need to focus on ourselves instead of others. To be more 'selfish' in other words. This is hard for me to do,but I will try with this first.
There are a total of four cuts on my wrist now, I am trying to stop this but I know that it will take time. My therapist was very understanding and told me that I will not be admitted as long as I show that I am trying to stop. She told me to reach out to others for support when ever I get the urge to do this again. If no one will talk to me then to go to the emergency room and talk to them or to call her or the hotline number for help. I am grateful for her decision to help me get through this. We will be meeting every week until I get better or until I am strong enough to go every other week like before. I just can't help but thinking that out of the people that know what i did to myself, do any of them really care or is it just to make me feel like they care. Do they really want to help me or is that just a thing they are saying so I wont do it again? This is really frustrating not knowing what to think about all of this and their words to me. I also dont want to keep bothering people about what I am going through and what I am thinking. I am tired of pretending to be alright, to show that I am stronger than I really am.
Although I am getting better at conversations involving sex, thanks to my friend and coworkers that dont think before they talk about it in front of me. I am not jumping as much when I hear someone coming into the building which is good. so I may have had some set backs, but overall I am moving forward. I just hope that it will continue to get better. Wow this is longer than I expected it to be. So I will end it here.
UPDATED GOALS
Be a happy person
Progress 20%
Encouragements: 5
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Comments
I'm soooo glad you made it through that trip and you're moving forward!
JB124
I am sorry you had such a rough time and I pray you will let someone know when you are so scared. I hate that you started cutting again but am happy you have such a good therapist. Just keep moving foward and you will be fine. One day at a time.
NANCPATT
iam gald u made it through the trip as well and i dont know wat your family got mad about but they got to learn to have some patients with u expiclly after wat u went through and give u support ur just opening up to them and unless they want u 2 shut them down then i suggest they start being more reasoiple and iam glad you doing group therpery for the rape but i think u need some more help than that outside of the group have u considered consoling so they can help w/ the rape and cutting and not sleeping and fear of where u live and then sooner or later u will be able to move on
bratpack
Congratulations on a very successful trip to Chicago despite the memories you deprogrammed a lot of the negative things and faced the reality....a standing ovation on your SUCCESS!
DanRuff1
I got your entry on ny daily email address. I hoping you are being treated for post traumatic stress for the rape. If it was recent or you are just now facing it, its gonna be tough and you are going to be scared of the world. But if inside you somewhere there is a glimmer of hope that one day things will just be ok and you can face your demons without a panic attack then God will let that be your comfort but only if you let God help you. This world is and can be so evil...but we are hear none the less...no one really knows except God and everyting good and bad happens to us for a reason. But if there are some things you need to get off your chest concerneing God then go to Him and tell Him. Even if you are so pissed you cant see straight...and then allow Him to heal you girl..
Find a friend in God that can help you get through these tough times, if you dont have one then ask God to put atleast one there that you can go to, one that will not judge you and one that will say that she understands even when she doesnt. He will do it..I can promise that much b/c He promises that if you seek Him He will show Himself...its all in His Word. Step out of the world zone, find your safe place inside you that only God is allowed and know that no one can touch you or hurt you there. Do this daily...over and over if you have to to get to that point where you can face your day.
If your image of God derives from certain people in your life and He has become something hurtful to you know that isnt Him. I can promise you that too...He is everything I never thought He could be...He is solid, unchangable, unmovable, STRONG, very strong, compassionate, healing,loving, understanding, all knowing, and mostly He is always there.
I hope that by writing this you have seen a glimmer of hope for your day. Its ok to just focus on the one thing that gives you peace...a healthy thing...an unhealty one like cutting can suck the soul out of you. Dont let it, dont give it that much power, reinsert your energy elsewhere and tell that craziness to back off like its an actual being cuz hun in a way it is. You are stronger than that and if you want Him to help can keep you steady in it and you can face a new day.
Ill be praying for you.
Jessi
Jessi713
ONE DAY AT A TIME AND REMEMBER YOU ARE 1ST AND OTHERS 2ND. YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOU AND NOT LET OTHERS ISSUES DERAIL YOU.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK...
LEANNNAPLES
LEANNNAPLES
You can get thru this! family really don't understand and sometimew embarassed that they can't help. We have to help ourselves IT IS SO HARD I KNOW
becca4422
Okay first are you on any panic disorder medication? I have been on Paxil for 13 years and it helped me tremendously until my whole world crashed in this year and my doctor added clonapin. Which has grounded me so I'm attack free now for 30 days. Different meds work for different people so you might have to try a few before you find your remedy but first pray to GOD to get you to the right doctors the ones who will truly help you and not just put you on anything so they can make a buck. There is a lot of misdiagnosing these days so doctors and therapists and the pharmacy industries can make big money off of people they don't really even care about so be careful.
Second never underestimate the power of prayer. Talk to God, go in a room where no one can hear you and scream if you have to tell god this is more than you can bare and to please take away the pain. Beg GOD for his love to come into your heart and take charge of your life. Then tell him exactly what it is you need to make it through this horrible crappy world. Give lots of detail to GOD what you need so you may complete the mission he has sent you on. And he will come through for you I promise he came through for me and if you read my journals you'll see sometimes I hit little bumps but as for now I can put on my feeling terrific face. Which if you can do that for even one day your making progress. Then keep your eyes open for what it is you asked GOD for because it doesn't always come in the package we expect but when you find it know that it's yours and reach out and take it.
Third, I use to be a cutter too. I was 10 years free from it but had a few slips with the divorce I'm trying to go through and the new friend I met who was scared I was depending on him completely now and started pushing me away. Cutters are truly what they call these days Emo's. The emotionals of the world we are the people that feel pain on a deeper level then others when we hurt we hurt to our very soul. but it also makes us be able to love deeper too which sometimes ends up hurting us too. But if you have children you'll understand the ability to love on a deeper level makes you a great mom. If not someday you will understand this if you chose to have children. I call it a blessing and a curse.
This is where the cutting comes in because it is far easier to endure the physical pain on the outside of your body then the emotional pain you feel internally. I was married to an abusive husband for almost 20 years and the verbal and emotional abuse he put me through was so unbelievable heart wrenching I would provoke him into hitting me. Then the physical pain would give me something to focus on so the internal pain was more tolerate able that's what cutting does. I also craved his attention so bad and since he was an abuser and often ignored or neglected me and my needs I would pick a fight so now I was getting his attention but it was in a sick painful way. So I had to learn to stop doing that and also stop giving him that power over me, then turn to my self for the love and attention he wasn't giving me and when I started spending more and more time without him. I found that I liked it because every time I was with him he would either do something or say something that ruined my day. It took a long time and a lot of mistakes and slide backs but I finally left him. That journey through Hell was even harder and at times I thought about giving up and going back to him since he still proclaimed his love for me and said he wanted me back but I know he could never make me happy and I'm not willing to sacrifice anymore of my time to be miserable on a daily basis, not to mention my health started failing from all of the stress and abuse he was putting me through.
So I started my journey through pure HELL to get out of HELL once and for all and now 6 months later I'm almost there and I feel a strong faith that I am making it. And that things will finally get better for I see blue skies and sunshine in my future. I have my panic attacks under control again and a huge relieve that I don't have to carry the world on my head anymore. The separation turned out to be better for him too since he is now stepping up to bat and taking on the responsibility of raising his children and loving and caring for them like he had never did before and the children are now bonding with a dad they never knew, not a lazy, selfish, sports watching, screaming lump of drunkeness that never got off the couch but a dad who does stuff for them and with them and cooks and gets them dressed and to school on time and goes to movies with them and buys them special presents. And took the little one fishing and the 8 year old golfing and goes to my daughter wrestling meets at school now and actually is finally enjoying his kids.
So go out there and take your life back from whoever took it from you! Forgive them for forcing their sins on you and let GOD be their judge. Then Forget the past for it is unchangeable and don't let it take your present and your future away from you too. Don't be ashamed of the scars that are left from when you cut but look at them everyday you think of it and say I am no longer that person! Try not to talk to people about your problems and negative feelings I know it's hard because you should be able to turn to them and especially your family. But know this just hurts them and they feel helpless for you. Because they are ignorant and unfortunately ignorance is bliss people rather not know of the evils and horrors of the world especially when it happens to someone they love. So pray to GOD to open your eyes to the love and peace and wonderful things in life but beg him to close your eyes to the horrors, because ignorance is bliss. And put your hater blockers on girl and GOD will take care of you on your mission through life just tell him your ready for him to take control of the wheel and steer you in the right direction to happiness because this is more than you can bare and you don't want to fail him by killing yourself. Because I've come that close myself several times until I screamed for GOD's help and now I'm happy to be alive. Love your lots sister survivor Tammy
tammyashiloh