Journal

I call this a "General Update" because the entry options all apply, and there is no choice called "All of the above".  It has been almost a year, I think, since my last entry.  My husband has now been admitted into a nursing home for the last time.  He will never be able to come home again.  And even if he was able to come home physically, I can't take care of him.  I have more than enough taking care of myself. 

I have given up my job of the last 11 years.  It was the only job in my life that I liked and felt good about at the end of the day.  I could teach the history of our county and hopefully make others feel as proud of this county as I am.  But the change in the economy, the change in the management of the Lebanon County Historical Society, and the changes in a few other things brought on even more severe symptoms that I could not deal with nor could I work through.  So I am now applying for disability.  I've had this medical problem for the last 9 years but it has been getting steadily worse.  My hopes of working to retirement age just didn't work out.  I almost made it!  At 59 I only had a few more years to go, but I just couldn't go on anymore.  I pushed myself as hard as I could and got as far as I could.  At least I know I tried. 

I hope someone out there knows what I am going through and is able to talk to me so I know I'm not alone.  I have lost almost everything good about my life and now I am trying not to cry.  Crying will just give me a headache.  At least that's what I tell myself.

Today is not a good day.  It is the last few days before my Botox shots again.  I'm hoping they will help with the tremors.  I really get tired of people thinking that I am shaking my head "no" when all it is is tremors.  How do you explain?  I am trying hard to stay calm.  But it's not working very well. 

I mentioned before that my husband has some serious medical problems.  Well, he has been falling quite a lot recently.  The doctor sent him for an MRI.  The results came back that he has a tumor on his brain, same place as in 1986.  We were very worried.  Was he strong enough to go through the radiation therapy again?  On this past Tuesday we saw the neurosurgeon who explained that what was being diagnosed as a brain tumor was the remnants of the former tumor, which is now dead.  There is no theat from this tumor and we don't have to worry about it.  Yeah!  But that still leaves the original problem.  What is causing the falling?  And my shaking gets worse.

About 2 weeks ago my sister had a car accident.  The car was totalled and she had a broken collar bone, cracked vertebrae, and bleeding on the brain.  The doctors were not too concerned, hoping that everything healed, and sent her for rehab therapy.  One day later they sent her back to the hospital where it was discovered that she has a blood clot on the lung.  By the next day the clot had grown to cover the tops of both lungs, crossing over and putting pressure on the heart.  She is now being kept alive with machines until the doctors decide there is nothing more to do.  There doesn't seem to be any brain activity.  So we wait and pray.  And my shaking gets worse.  And worse.  How much can one person take?  All I really want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep.  But I can't.  There is a husband to take care of, a job to work, siblings to comfort, and on and on and on.  I hope the shots work this time!