heartstring's Journal

well, it happened again.  another horrible fight.  one of the worst ones in a long time.  just when i don't think he could stoop any lower with the cheap shots, he never ceases to make me feel more and more like i'm being kicked in the teeth.  let's see, it started with him saying he has to look for a job now because i'm not working so we don't have the money we did when i was working (duh!) but could i please go back to housekeeping just long enough to give him time to look for a job.  i think i just lost it.  he spoke like i haven't been looking for work all this time,  even though i'm not supposed to do housekeepin anymore because i'm too slow and nobody will hire me, at least not for long. plus, i've hurt myself twice doing housekeeping work.  i basically said to him "are you kidding me???!!! i've been looking for work all this time. and now you decide after 7 years of making me support you that now could i get a job long enough to give you time to find one yourself??!!" but, anyway, it just got worse from there.  then, it went to him blowing up because he says i'm neglecting my daughter because i don't do anything with her like he does, yeah, i know, one has absolutely nothing to do with the other, but there it is.  so, he covered the unfit mother thing.  then, he wants us to leave taylor alone in the house  so i could give him rides to fill out applications.  what he doesn't get is that he's been out of touch with the world so long that he doesn't even realize that you don't go to places to fill out applications at most companies anymore, it's all online.  well, he acted like i didn't know what i was talking about.  i told him he didn't need to drive all over creation to look for a job anymore.  we just needed to put a resume' together for him.  he blew up and said that he would do it himself....which is great because that's all i've wanted him to do all this time.  but then since i would't budge and agree to do it for him (i'm thinking he expects me to get the job for him too??)then, it was the "you spend too much money on food" thing because we need school clothes for taylor.  and then, it was "you keep eating all the food that's why we need to replace it every day and we don't have enough to get her school clothes" and then the unfit mother thing comes into play again.  then, we talked about each others families, and he threw into my face that "at least he has a father" and "mine hated me so much, he didn't even bother to try to find me and that's why i was an illegitimate bastard" oh yeah, he hit so far below the belt i still haven't recovered.  my head is still spinning from the new low he's managed to sink to when it comes to hurling insults at me.  he covered the name-calling thing too.  he never forgets to do that.  all i said to him is that when it came to our relationship, i never stood a chance with him because he was still 20 years in the past before my time and he was still mourning his parents and because he's so immersed in his grief and self-pity because he refuses to even try to move on, which i would think his parents would want him to do,  i never stood a chance with him.  that was when he said i had no clue as to what it was like to be left behind and at least he had parents who loved him.  i was such a piece of illigitimate garbage that not only did my father bother to be around or try to find me, but my mother couldn't stand me either.  i still feel like i've been kicked in the teeth on that one.  i've told him my entire life story, so he can take little tidbits of information like that and make me just want to die.  which i do now.  he makes me want to hate myself.  and i do.  if i'm going to be stuck with him, i might as well be dead because being dead beats the hell out of living with him anymore.  i don't know if i'm ever going to recover from this one.  he realy pulled out all the stops this time.  i've never been hated so much, nor have i ever been filled with so much hate for one person. i swear, right now, my daughter is the only thing that's keeping me alive.  if she was grown like my other kids, i'd probably just disappear.