heartstring's Journal

yeah, he was just waiting for an excuse to pick a fight with me. and he did it when it was convenient for him.  he wanted me to get a swimming mattress for taylor so he could take her to the lake, which was fine, but i made it pretty obvious i didn't want to go.  it's 105 degrees outside and we didn't have the money to spend anyway, but you know how it is....it has to be his way....so we drove to 4 different stores to get the stuff HE wanted....oh, he also wanted stuff for his plants so that was mainly why he wanted to go.  halfway through our trip, he told me he was sorry for making me go and said the next time he tried to get me to go on a trip like this where we had to go to umpteen million stores just to get a couple of things that i could tell him to "stick it up his ass and to get it himself".  i wasn't stupid enough to believe him, but right now i am telling him to stick it up his ass just because i'm pissed off at him.   i kept waiting for him to pick a fight with me no matter how nice he was trying to be because he's not very good at it.  so, sure enough, we get home, get the stuff out of the car, and he tells me to put this package i'm mailing to my daughter and granddaughter in the trunk so nobody steals it.  i go to open the trunk and he yells "forget it!! get the fuck out! i'l'l do it myself you stupid bitch!! " here we go again.  i told him he was a paranoid freak and i wish he would just go.  i really do too.  of course, he isn't taking me seriously.  he thinks i'm just being a bitch and that i don't really mean it.  oh, yes i do.  not that it would matter. this place we're in now is way too expensive for me and taylor to stay in and we would have to leave anyway....but at least i woulnd't have him breathing down my neck and i could just leisurely find me and taylor a place and move in my time, not his.  i'm so sick of everything being his way.  i feel like i'm suffocating.....i know it's my own stupid fault  for not finding somewhere to go before this payday came up, but i couldn't find anything...everything is full...the shelters, the recovery houses, i can't afford any apartments who would take animals because they want anywhere from 100-350 dollars PER ANIMAL!! and i have 2 cats. and this was why i don't want to go anywhere with him.  i never like going anywhere with him...he always picks a fight with me.  even if i was on my best behavior, it wouldn't matter. he'd still pick a fight with me. and of course it would still be my fault, as it is now.  i just wish he was gone..  the tension is just too much and i can't keep pretending everyhing is fine with me because it's as far from fine as it can get.  i just want to be left alone.  i just want him to go away. i don't love him and he doesn't love me. period.