Journal

grabbed me by my hair and threw me into a wall, grabbed me by my neck and lifted me up against a refrigerator, put his face millimeters from mine and yelled at the top of his lungs, shoved me into a wall and again put his face millimeters from mine and yelled at the top of his lungs, overturned furniture, body shoved me until i fell over a coffee table and smacked my back into the couch when i fell, smacked me across my face, called me nasty names, brought up all my past secrets and bad choices and even things that weren't my fault but hurt me and hurt me with them, said i was worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, threw me out of our motel room and would't let me take my daughter with me, shoved my head into the refrigerator repeatedly, orders me around like a servant, makes me feel guilty if i don't do something for him, says he's going to leave, then changes his mind and expects me to just forget the things he did and said to me and expects me to just go back to the way we were, talks over me when i try to talk,

well, it happened again.  another horrible fight.  one of the worst ones in a long time.  just when i don't think he could stoop any lower with the cheap shots, he never ceases to make me feel more and more like i'm being kicked in the teeth.  let's see, it started with him saying he has to look for a job now because i'm not working so we don't have the money we did when i was working (duh!) but could i please go back to housekeeping just long enough to give him time to look for a job.  i think i just lost it.  he spoke like i haven't been looking for work all this time,  even though i'm not supposed to do housekeepin anymore because i'm too slow and nobody will hire me, at least not for long. plus, i've hurt myself twice doing housekeeping work.  i basically said to him "are you kidding me???!!! i've been looking for work all this time. and now you decide after 7 years of making me support you that now could i get a job long enough to give you time to find one yourself??!!" but, anyway, it just got worse from there.  then, it went to him blowing up because he says i'm neglecting my daughter because i don't do anything with her like he does, yeah, i know, one has absolutely nothing to do with the other, but there it is.  so, he covered the unfit mother thing.  then, he wants us to leave taylor alone in the house  so i could give him rides to fill out applications.  what he doesn't get is that he's been out of touch with the world so long that he doesn't even realize that you don't go to places to fill out applications at most companies anymore, it's all online.  well, he acted like i didn't know what i was talking about.  i told him he didn't need to drive all over creation to look for a job anymore.  we just needed to put a resume' together for him.  he blew up and said that he would do it himself....which is great because that's all i've wanted him to do all this time.  but then since i would't budge and agree to do it for him (i'm thinking he expects me to get the job for him too??)then, it was the "you spend too much money on food" thing because we need school clothes for taylor.  and then, it was "you keep eating all the food that's why we need to replace it every day and we don't have enough to get her school clothes" and then the unfit mother thing comes into play again.  then, we talked about each others families, and he threw into my face that "at least he has a father" and "mine hated me so much, he didn't even bother to try to find me and that's why i was an illegitimate bastard" oh yeah, he hit so far below the belt i still haven't recovered.  my head is still spinning from the new low he's managed to sink to when it comes to hurling insults at me.  he covered the name-calling thing too.  he never forgets to do that.  all i said to him is that when it came to our relationship, i never stood a chance with him because he was still 20 years in the past before my time and he was still mourning his parents and because he's so immersed in his grief and self-pity because he refuses to even try to move on, which i would think his parents would want him to do,  i never stood a chance with him.  that was when he said i had no clue as to what it was like to be left behind and at least he had parents who loved him.  i was such a piece of illigitimate garbage that not only did my father bother to be around or try to find me, but my mother couldn't stand me either.  i still feel like i've been kicked in the teeth on that one.  i've told him my entire life story, so he can take little tidbits of information like that and make me just want to die.  which i do now.  he makes me want to hate myself.  and i do.  if i'm going to be stuck with him, i might as well be dead because being dead beats the hell out of living with him anymore.  i don't know if i'm ever going to recover from this one.  he realy pulled out all the stops this time.  i've never been hated so much, nor have i ever been filled with so much hate for one person. i swear, right now, my daughter is the only thing that's keeping me alive.  if she was grown like my other kids, i'd probably just disappear.

yeah, he was just waiting for an excuse to pick a fight with me. and he did it when it was convenient for him.  he wanted me to get a swimming mattress for taylor so he could take her to the lake, which was fine, but i made it pretty obvious i didn't want to go.  it's 105 degrees outside and we didn't have the money to spend anyway, but you know how it is....it has to be his way....so we drove to 4 different stores to get the stuff HE wanted....oh, he also wanted stuff for his plants so that was mainly why he wanted to go.  halfway through our trip, he told me he was sorry for making me go and said the next time he tried to get me to go on a trip like this where we had to go to umpteen million stores just to get a couple of things that i could tell him to "stick it up his ass and to get it himself".  i wasn't stupid enough to believe him, but right now i am telling him to stick it up his ass just because i'm pissed off at him.   i kept waiting for him to pick a fight with me no matter how nice he was trying to be because he's not very good at it.  so, sure enough, we get home, get the stuff out of the car, and he tells me to put this package i'm mailing to my daughter and granddaughter in the trunk so nobody steals it.  i go to open the trunk and he yells "forget it!! get the fuck out! i'l'l do it myself you stupid bitch!! " here we go again.  i told him he was a paranoid freak and i wish he would just go.  i really do too.  of course, he isn't taking me seriously.  he thinks i'm just being a bitch and that i don't really mean it.  oh, yes i do.  not that it would matter. this place we're in now is way too expensive for me and taylor to stay in and we would have to leave anyway....but at least i woulnd't have him breathing down my neck and i could just leisurely find me and taylor a place and move in my time, not his.  i'm so sick of everything being his way.  i feel like i'm suffocating.....i know it's my own stupid fault  for not finding somewhere to go before this payday came up, but i couldn't find anything...everything is full...the shelters, the recovery houses, i can't afford any apartments who would take animals because they want anywhere from 100-350 dollars PER ANIMAL!! and i have 2 cats. and this was why i don't want to go anywhere with him.  i never like going anywhere with him...he always picks a fight with me.  even if i was on my best behavior, it wouldn't matter. he'd still pick a fight with me. and of course it would still be my fault, as it is now.  i just wish he was gone..  the tension is just too much and i can't keep pretending everyhing is fine with me because it's as far from fine as it can get.  i just want to be left alone.  i just want him to go away. i don't love him and he doesn't love me. period.