Neirfane's Journal

i  walk slowly toward the front door and grab a cigerette. i light up and go outside. its  230am and the air is cool, but as i walk out onto the padeo the sky is clear with a full moon and a few of the brighter stars.  i puff away on my smokey pacifier, and final come to a stop, looking up at two stars near the moon.  there is like a line between them, and i start my rote, "God, please forgive me of my sins. i'm a sinful man. you know my heart." i'm scared for Him to touch it again though.  i start to say, "Jesus show me the way." but i stop their and know that He already has. what i really meant was Jesus, show me a way i go about things my own way and not make a total disaster of my life . . .  AGAIN.

I think of a broken heart and the reason and almost let go. maybe i let go a little bit.  but i ask you, how do you let go a a dream made flesh and what is creepy about gazing in awe at  to you is earthly perfection? Her ocd? she secular?  everything said it was doomed from the start, but i went anyway.  she broke me almost. i think my soul felt pain and agony.  i can't compare it to crucifition but it has scared me for life.  i would do it all again though.

my whole life has changed in under a month over the almost  2000 miles i've traveled. i've had lacluster adventures, that i will prolly forget. few reminders save the scar on my heart and maybe a 'just a friend'. 

as i approach stability and become very saner, i can almost grin at my antics. grin if the pain were not so present in my heart. a pain that will make us bipolars daydream about stabbing ourselves in the heart with an icepick so one pain can take away another. OR TRY TO! lol.

i never cried though. 

Of course i want to end it all, but not because of her, because of the futility of it all. but as i always say. persist to the end. i know the truth, and it eventualy sets me free over and over. every time i try to shackle myself the ways of this world the truth unlocks my bonds.

all this from a moonlit prayer.

"watcha doin hunny?" comes from behind. its my girlfriend.  i say, "writing a journal." i type loud and fast ya see.

i sigh now and say good bye for now. this is a glimpse into my inner, true, and authentic self.

a self with a hard row to hoe, but well on into it.

thanks for reading. God Bless you.