CaliMommy's Journal

My husband and I talked for awhile tonight.  It started out texting.  He wrote:

I can't share who I am  because it encroaches on other people.  I'm a f***ed up guy who is so selfish he can't love others and gets mad when other people don't give him the love he wants.  Andrew (BIL) is too emotionally drained to tell me anything except how messed up I am and Phil (friend) is too busy with his work to spend time with me.  Brendand and Christian (friends) aren't hard enough on me.  My counselors are only available when I pay. Steve (older friend) doesn't listen very well.  Howard (older guy...husband is living with him and his wife right now) is mad I have not done the yard yet and forgot to close the window.  Tim (unmarried friend who husband was helping with porn problem...ironic) doesn't understand the depth of the problem, my fault.  Femi (guy from sa workshop) is the only one who seems to care about me.   I should have spilled all of this out to you while we were together.  I was mad you took the kids and ran (this was earlier today...I picked them up at my parents where he was watching them).  I'll probably never be good enough to accomplish anything I should have.  And so on my tombstone it will say, "he was a selfish bastard who failed everyone he knew and died unloved, but he could deliver cardboard (he owns several FedEx routes).

We ended up talking on the phone and he was crying saying how lonely he was.  He said he thinks he may be codependant and that made A LOT of sense.  His whole family has to be doing something or they go crazy.  They're adrenaline addicts, so him needing something or someone makes perfect sense.  It was hard, but I told him he had to learn to be lonely.  I encouraged journaling, or getting a good book series to keep his mind occupied.  But he really does have to learn healthy forms of dealing with loneliness...things other than porn and masturbating.  He told me he was really tempted to go masturbate.  I told him it was his decision, but that he knew the consequences that went along with that decision.  The conversation ended with me wishing him luck tonight.  I really do hope he does good.  That will say A LOT about his motivation this time around.  

Now I really have to get to bed.

P.S.  I weighed 150 on the scale today, but I'm not going to record it until it stays like that for a couple days.  That's just my general rule about weight loss.  =)   I also had 2 chocolate chip cookies and a really cold glass of milk (I had it sit in the freezer for 5 minutes).  That'll probably change things.  Haha.