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CaliMommy 
10:13pm, September 22, 2009
I'm typing through tears right now, so forgive any mistakes.
I just don't understand how a guy can be convinced you're the most amazing woman in the world and, in four short years, you become so unlovable in his eyes. Porn is so destructive!! I hate those airbrushed whores who turned me into a monster in my husband's eyes. God...why??
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If this makes you feel any better, from what I have learned from my SA husband, is that these women meant nothing to him. Think of it like this.....the whole issue here is the compulsive behavior....which is masturbation. It really had nothing to do emotionally with other women. Yeah, he looked at women, sure, but that was only to get his sex drive reved up for the ultimate, which was masturbation and ejaculation, the ultimate sexual pleasure for a man! The "M" became a crutch for him....it was a way to escape from intimacy from you. But you have to ask yourself why? Getting to the bottom of why he chose this over true intimacy with you, is the root cause, I feel, of anyone's sexual addiction. Try to let this part go, at least temporarily (believe me, I know it is hard), and focus on figuring out the "WHY". There are some very deep rooted causes to why he chose "M" over true intimacy with his wife. Hope this helps. Just curious, after the birth of your babies, did your sex life change.....did you feel less sexy, did you have body image problems? Well, I had all of these, and instead of me and my husband dealing with these issues, we chose to throw them under the rug. My marriage was slowy dying over the last 10 years, and I didn't even know it. I feel my issues stated above contributed to part of why he ventured off into porn....he was depressed and felt like he had lost his wife. To him, rather than be "physically" unfaithful and cheat with real women, he took matters into his own hands (no pun intended) and "M"'ed. He would fantasize ONLY about me, because his love for me was and still is so strong. He really only wanted me, his wife back, physically and emotionally and this was how he achieved it. Pretty sad, but true. Just thought I would shed some light onto how the escape from intimacy and the "M" became the culprit in my h's SA. He also had some depression issues, of which, I NEVER, EVER knew until his secret, double life was revealed.
szq311
Oh Cali, I know it's hard right now. Please please believe it, it really isn't you. I've done all this, and you will get thru this. Your mind is going to shift soon and realise it's him. And he won't like it.
Deep down i think they like it when we blame ourselves, because it takes the blame off them. He CHOOSES to do it. He CHOOSES to be unfaithful to you, to himself, to the kids and to God.
So you need to be strong, I know you can do it. Look how courageous you were in making sure your kids were safe, you are one of the few wives here brave enough to throw him out. I admire you immensly.
Look in the mirror its not you, the monster is in him.
TrinaOz