AmyElizabeth's Journal

Things seem to be looking up for me lately. I cannot say the same for what I see in the world. I wish I could see the beauty in life, but I only see hatred, selfishness, lack of compassion, and a cold/cruel world. Is it that Im only capable of seeing darkness, is my vision focused on being alert and aware of the darkness in this life? I don't know, I used to see so much beauty. But I am growing up, and we really live in such a cold age. Everyone is out for self, you just can't afford not to watch your back and be alert. Where has all the kindness gone? I wish I could go on a buddhist retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh or Tenzin Gatzo (Dali Lama). Hah.... I realized yesterday that the world is what it is.. times are changing and there is evil everywhere. But there are those select few that really are kindred spirits still. There just are not very many. So I will be the best individual I can possibly be, and I will not let anything bring me down. But how can you protect yourself from your self? I am very grateful my mental illness has been not so consuming... It has been easier to get up, and I have had very few urges to self inflict pain upon myself. It really makes me very sad that I gave up 3 years of being clean from self injury, and AM back in that cycle. Will it really ever end? After giving up three years of not cutting, after being a cutter from the ages of 13-17... hope has left my heart and mind. At least I have been more positive, and have not cut myself.

I was attending greif support for bereavement for awhile. Mostly to learn how to help my boyfriends children cope from the loss of there mom in 2006. I met there father 2 years afterwards. But also, to cope with the loss of my Grandfather (Poppy) in Aug of 2008. I feel a lot of guilt that I don't want to dive into. But it honestly was something I looked forward to.... but now my work schedule conflicts and makes it impossible to attend. I work on the North Side of Chicago now, and the commute is rough - but it is an income and it involved helping people, which is my PASSION. I am an "Personal assistant" and take care of a woman who cannot walk and is (partially) visually impaired. I go to her home for 8 years a day Mon-Fri. I dont get to see Bill and his children often during the week due to the commute. But the commute gives me a lot of time to read which is a positive. I'm a book worm to the fullest extent ;]. I am currently reading "You better not cry" (Stories for christmas) by one of my alltime favorite authors, Augusten Burroughs. I met him in Greenwhich village NYC at Barnes & Nobles in 2008 I want to say. It was pretty cool, one of my last adventures in NYC before I moved to Chicago to be w/ Bill.

Things with Bill and the boys are alright. Not always easy, but nothing in life is (thats worth the rewards). He really is an amazing man, and I love him with all of my heart. I miss him so much during the days, but he writes me letters in the morning. A lot of stress is alleviated now that I am employed full time, and making more than minimum wage! (finally!!) His Bday was on Halloween, and we went to see ICP, Hed (PE), The dayton Family at The congress a few days prior for his Bday. We are also seeing "Nitzer Ebb" this month. They are an electronic/Rock band from Europe who blew up in the 80's. They are alright, but I'm not crazy about 'em. I would love to see "Erasure" live. There music is so peaceful and I just love it. So overall things at home are well. Except when I come home and the house is a mess. But hey, I can't expect miracles...

I will add I really miss my family in NY so much. That part is really hard to deal with on a daily basis. Well, that is all for now. Overall life seems to be going much smoother. Wish me luck........

PS: if you are religous, pray for my cousin Vishuv - he is only a toddler and is dealing with Luekeimia. =(

~Amy Elizabeth