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ChinookWife 
8:16pm, August 17, 2008
So i have been doing a lot of thinking, and i think i want out of this marriage. Not only for the obvious reasons of him being gone all the time and acting like an asshole to me continually...but i also want the freedom back. i get to thinking about it all and think i made a hasty decision simply because he was ready to commit and that's what i wanted after numerous boyfriends leaving me because i was a work a holic at that time. Now i'm going to school and am slowly realizing all of the things i gave up simply for this "idea" of commitment. I miss playing hockey, and the boys on the teams and drinking and doing stupid shit simply because we can. I wish i could be a normal college student and go on a road trip or explore life even more than i already have. I feel like now that i have made this decision to live my life with him i am slowly realizing that i would be commiting to HIS life...and HIS standards and not my own. I have never been in one place this long and i am so itching to explore and do more with my life. I know if i stay it will be a "comfortable" life and i will have anything my heart desires. But i don't know if it's worth it if i'm still unhappy and missing good parts of my life that i should be living. I have always wanted to go to alaska...play some hockey with the canadians, go to a real college and be a normal college student. I just don't know if i can break the committment i made to this man. I know marriage isn't to be taken lightly and yet i did it anyways in an unholy ceremony at the courthouse. I can't help but think i made a huge mistake..love sometime causes you to be blind....and it did initially...it made me blind to all of the things i still desired. But now that i have been thinking about it more...i am starting to see everything i still want to do and accomplish. I found a job in alaska...i could go there whenever...i even found a place to live....i am just not sure if i am willing to break that commitment on a whim simply because i miss certain things. But if he's not making me happy how long do i sit and suffer too? Any thoughts?
Comments
Hun, I am going to tell you something very few people will ever say. You do have the right to change your mind. You do not have to stay in a unhappy situation just because of a word. It is not written in stone, it is written on paper and paper and be torn in two. You do not have to sacrifice your happiness for anyone.
You can change your mind. We are allowed to change our minds, no matter what anyone may try to say.
StillOfTheNight
If you feel like this unhappiness in the marriage will last as long as the marriage lasts, then yes, I'd say a separation would be best. But perhaps you're making as big of a hasty decision now as you were when you first married him. Take a deep breath and give this lots of thought. What are the reasons for his poor treatment of you? It doesn't sound like he treats you well, but I don't exactly know how to translate 'acting like an asshole', since 'asshole-ery' is somewhat subjective.
Perhaps he's feeling equally panicky? One option you have before making any big decisions is the most obvious one: talk to him. The next time he's home, sit down with him and talk to him about these things. Just because you're married doesn't mean you should have to constantly forfeit your happiness for someone else's. There might be compromise. I don't know exactly what sort of compromise you might reach, since I don't know the details of your situation, but it's possible that you could do many if not all of those things and still remain married. He might have similar things to say to you; perhaps he feels like he's given up some of his own dreams for the sake of the marriage?
All of that said, I have one last thing to mention. Maybe it's because I'm a bit jaded and I don't view the hole sacrament of marriage as optimistically as others do, but married or not, your happiness comes first. It's normal to make some sacrifices, even a whole lot, but if you're feeling repressed and forced to live a lifestyle you're not happy with, then I say consider getting out. I know that after we marry we live for our spouse as we live for ourselves and our kin, but it doesn't matter whether the person is your husband or a parent or a best friend...if they're making you so unhappy, it's OK to consider alternatives like this. Just don't rush into anything again. Give it some thought. *hugs*
PS: If you do go to Alaska, message me and tell me how it goes. I was just telling my sister yesterday that I would drop everything and move to Alaska if I could.
katherine8504
Sounds like you may have made a "mistake". I bet your family said to you, that you too young to get married. Well..you wouldn't be the first.
If you want out now...get out now. You still have time. I know...and I know you know that you do NOT to take marraige lightly. You used the word "hastey". From what you said , it sounds like you may have made a hastey decision, considering your circumstances.
I really don't think anyone would hold it against you if you wanted out of the marraige. Honey , you are young....I'm not saying that you aren't mature, infact quite the opposite. The very fact that you can articulate all of this make you appear very mature. Very mature and able to reconsise when you have made a mistake. Thats what this might be. A "mistake". Thats ok. People make mistakes like this. What would be woarst is if you were 35 and had 2 or 3 kids and decided that you made a "mistake". Give it some more thought if you need to. Do what you ever you need to do. All I can say...that if you truelly see red flags now......then a desison has to be made.....((((big hugs))))
Way out your pros and cons on paper....xoxo
Bellastina
Ultimatly, you do have the right to change your mind if it means being happy!
StillOfTheNight
i just got done reading it. i would love to sit and talk things out with him but he's so closed off all the time that it's so hard. Plus him being in afghanistan half a world away makes it even more difficult to talk. i get a on line email from him about every 3 weeks or so. it's difficult...i sent him an email a few times saying that i wasn't feeling happy anymore and he sent one back "have you been taking your meds?" i mean ouch! what the hell. i just don't know what to think anymore
ChinookWife
I tell this to a lot of people- It's always very difficult starting out for young couples- especially ones with military connections. The above people are all valid in their points; you can do whatever you choose to do. I encourage you to think very long about your actions; and decide whether because you can do something you should do it. All relationships in life are about comprimise and marriage is one of the strongest relationships two human beings can have. I don't see why marriage and fun are mutually exclusive... seems you can have fun and be married to me... Give all this a good thought.
TheSoothsayer
We all need to have a go at happiness. Whether it be with a husband or without. Hugs Sue xx
SueOz
You have the right to decide that this is not what you want ... Being young and being married is very hard in a regular marriage where the husband is at home every night after work .... having to be alone and get a email once a month has to be hard ... I am going to tell you that I too got married at a young age, had children annd was unhappy I stayed ... I lost out on School, living my young life and enjoying the freedoms of being young to raise my children and be a wife ... I got out at 32 after 14 years ... I never do get back what I lost and went through alot more pain waiting to leave ..... Now I am stuck in a dead end job 42 and remarried to someone I want out with again because I never learned to be ALONE I wasted my whole life and at 42 really dont have nothing else to look forward to So think about how you feel now and try and see yourself in 10 , 20 years Good luck in whatever decision's you make
Dewymoon
its okay to change your mind... while your still very young and there are no children invovled.. I married to young to someone in the Marine Corps... went through the same feelings as you... I stayed for seven years... six years to long..:)
walkinfaith
I think to be perfectly honest that you are the only one who really can know what i best for you.
That said, I do think that you have given this lots of thought and have tried many, many times to talk to him and make it work. Marriage, or any relationship, is certainly about compromise. But compromise does not mean losing yourself. You should never sacrifice who you are and who you want to be for a relationship. That is not good for either person. You are both young. Maybe it is for the best for both of you if you take stock of what is real and what is meant to be. If the marriage is not meant to be, then do what you know you need to. Ultimately it's not an "easy" decision regardless of what you choose to do - just make sure that you are doing what is best for YOU! Love ya hun! xx
Batdog
Relationships Evaluate.
It is big step and only you can make the choice just make sure it is not the depression giving you negative distorted thoughts.
Make the choice based on what is the best thing for you and your well being.
Do we continue to get involved in relationships with people who emotionally reject us?
Do we let ourselves be used as a doormat for others in the hope that they will love us and approve of us? Or do we surround ourselves with relationships who encourage us tell us we are worth while, special and remind of us of our beauty, never criticizes us and be there when we need them?
Or do we surround ourselves unconsciously with relationships with people that we feel comfortable and familiar with? When we are troubled and confused, we are attracted to troubled, disturbed, confused personalities.
Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. We each have our own ideas, values and hopes and they can’t always be the same as the ones we love.
Whether we accept or turn down a request, agree or disagree with someone’s point of view, we can still treat the other person with respect and curtsey. I can say, “No” gently and lovingly as we can say,”Yes”
We used to think living meant surviving from Crisis to Crisis we will continues this as adults because it was the only way we knew. When we do not know how to respond to a situation to day why not try responding with kindness and that is what we should receive back.
The company we keep rubs of on us and we on them. We influence each other’s thoughts and behaviours through a cycle of interactions. breaking our attraction to unhealthy relationships begins with our own self-acceptance and self-love. We break the cycle by choosing people that have the same personalities
Like self-acceptance, self-love and confidence remember it rubs of both ways.
We need to avoid those that put us down and treats us with no respect, no love and that attempts to keep us down and detract from our personal healing, and we keep the company of affirming people that will nurture and encourage us to be our best and see we have a true value and who helps us grow and fulfill or potential and dreams.
We find ourselves surrounded by people who love and care for themselves and who mirror our own inner beauty and self worth we are more likely to mirror the same.
Hugs for you take your time easy does it you do not have to rush into anything
scotsman1
Have you sat down and explained this to him without being accusing? Being married does not mean that you have to give everything up. Yes, you have to make some changes and comprimise, but you should be able to talk with him to tell him what you want/need and find a way to get some of this freedom back into your life. Yes, you are entitled to change your mind, but also know that it's a big step and you might regret it after.
Ziziedoodle
You know your situation better than anyone else. If you feel that your relationship can not be improved to the point where you are both happy, then get out and fast. I went through a heart breaking divorce a few years ago. The part that hurt me the most wasn't that he wanted a divorce but the fact that he had felt like that for 2 years and never said a word about it. I felt like he made up his mind without ever even giving me the chance to work on the problem. Just be completely honest about what you feel.
connersmommy
I'm wondering if he is only allowed to send emails once every 3 weeks. If this is the case..ok...but if he can send them any time he wants..well..he doesn't sound particularly committed to me and you should not feel committed to him. In fact, it would seem that it would not be the end of the world for him if you left him. Of course i do not know much of your situation but this is how it looks to me on the surface.
Marigolds
i think you should look in your heart, and do what it says...if that means leaving...then so be it! you do what you need to do to make yourself happy...that's all...make yourself happy.
leahanne
Well it sounds like you are still looking for yourself and that is very important to know who you are. I also think that if u feel strongly about ending your marriage then thats a decision that you need to make. It sounds like you have so many things u want to do and explore. If you stay in this marriage it could end up causing a lot of resentment, pain and hurt feelings. Ultimatley you have to do what you feel is right for you and if this is something you feel strongly about then definatlely take the time to think about everything and come to the decision that works for you. you probably dont want to stay in a situation that is making you unhappy and making you regret things that you never got to do.
shallowbay