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ChinookWife 
8:16pm, August 17, 2008
So here's the deal: There's Boyce and Nina. When i first moved down here they asked me to move in with them instead of staying in a hotel while me and my husband got a house to live in. They were super awesome friends and everything. I always helped them out when they needed it. I tried to stay in touch with nina (after the boys deployed) but she kept changing her number and i eventually lost track. I still occasionally talk to boyce online. I tried to stop by when he said he was home on mid tour and nina yelled at me telling me never to contact her husband again. I wasn't sure what was going on so a few days later i contacted her and asked her if we could talk because i wanted to be friends and didn't know why she was mad at me. All summed up she said that i was supposedly trying to seduce her husband and have sex with him. She also said that i supposedly called her trailer trash and a spic. I would NEVER call anyone a racist name. I continued to try to talk to her and she kept slamming me and calling me names and was not nice at all. I tried to make it clear i didn't want her husband. All that said and done i told her goodbye (being the bigger adult) and told her i hope she realized the repercussions of her actions will reap karma. Anyways i got an IM from Boyce today saying that i sent nina (his wife) a copy of a "supposed" conversation me and him had. In this message was a whole bunch of stuff about he should leave his wife for me etc. (which i never said) Nina went into his message archive, fabricated half of our messages then sent it back to Boyce claiming that i sent it to her to get him in trouble. Now she has sent it to my husband claiming that i had that conversation with her husband. Tonight is a disaster and if i ever see her again i seriously will forfeit a few nights in jail to get even with her....i'm sooooo pissed. I never did anything but be friends!!! I am having a panic attack over all this bull shi*!
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Dig my grave, dig it deep
Dig my grave from head to feet
And on the top please place a dove
And remember this: I died for love
Comments
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Paraphrasing... She who loves and runs away, lives to love another day.
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By runs away, I do not mean to run away permanently. I mean sometimes is it better to pull a "Scarlett" and "Think about it tomorrow". Good Advice that is. Put the jumble of thoughts, yearnings, fears out of your mind for a day or two. Do something super ordinary, as if everything were fine.
You need to rest your mind.
So lately I have been going through a lot. There have been many emotional changes within myself and this relationship. As most may know I was married last year in September. Things were going as any relationship should up until he was deployed in January. Once my husband was deployed everything changed. At the beginning communication was not an issue. It has since become a huge issue, simply due to lack of commitment. It's a funny word commitment. It means to follow through with what one says they will do, it means "for the long haul". But seldom do people ever stick to dictionary definitions, or the moral of the word at that. I wish they would, but people seemingly have different values than I when it comes to respect. Respect in a relationship is a two way street, and if the respect is not there neither is the relationship. If there is no respect or commitment then the whole relationship was completely fabricated on an ideal in which they obviously have no belief. I have been enlightened a lot along this path. A few months after my husband left my father was diagnosed with cancer. I never thought I would hear the word cancer and father put into the same sentence, it came as a gigantic blow to my already fragile state. It becomes very easy when in a fragile state to become increasingly hateful to those who cannot understand your grief, or even to those who cannot keep commitments. I would have to say I have hit a downward spiral in what used to be a wonderful life. I enjoyed my radio career and had everything I could ask for except a stable relationship. I gave everything up for someone and am sometimes still pining for all of those things AND this relationship. It's like Bette Midler sings in the movie "Beaches" "You've got to give a little….take a little….and let your poor heart break a little…that's the story of, that's the glory of love" But when she sings give a little, I'm willing to give up some of the things I loved, but I wonder for what when I am not being treated the way I feel I deserve? I have held so much inside of me becoming increasingly angry at the world for everything that has gone wrong in my life and marriage. I know I have to take it all in stride…but when does it stop dumping on me and let up for that golden ray of sunshine. Commitment…I guess I need to stay committed to becoming that higher being. Rising above all others' plots to bring me down. But sometimes keeping commitments can be daunting. Daunting in the way that I feel I will never dig myself out of this hole called depression. Fear often has a way of turning on us and keeps us from taking a step further sometimes. I was diagnosed with Clinical (Major) Depressive Disorder this May along with a few different anxiety disorders. When I look at them on paper and look up their definition it's scary to see all of the things I have been feeling but never wished for myself, nor admitted. I always thought I was this strong person, and that I could accomplish anything. But now that I am faced with actually owning up to my thoughts, feelings, and actions I'm afraid. I'm fearful of being locked away because I struggle managing my emotions, I'm fearful that my family will see weakness in me in their time of need. I want to be strong, I pray to be strong every day, but the reality is I'm not. I'm the shadow of the woman I once was. Can it be that things have so quickly deteriorated me? How did this happen and what can I do to fix it? There is no easy fix and like I stated before I guess I just have to be committed to my well being in this relationship, my family and life. I need to take myself away from the things that are hurting me the most. It is so much easier said than done. I say "I'm going to take a break from calling my mom" to avoid hearing any bad news about my father. Unfortunately deep down….i want to be the first to know. What life comes down to is the ups and downs that you may go through. One thing I have noticed with depression is that it allows you to see the VERY low side of things. But I guess I need to look at it in the manner that if I weren't that deep in the hole of depression then I wouldn't be as strong as I'm going to be when I make it out. In climbing out of that hole, I build much more character than those who just cop out and stay there for a lifetime climbing halfway and then slipping again creating a deeper hole each time. I wouldn't say I'm thankful for the bad experiences in my life, but I would say I am going to enjoy the person I know some day I can become. Who knows how long it will take me, and I'm not setting any time lines for myself, I know I'm bound to slip a few times. But I would eventually like to see the light at the top of this hole again, just a little glimpse of who I can become, and to regain my marriage and husband, sanity, and most of all ME.
UPDATED GOALS
Fix or End my marriage
Progress 10%
Encouragements: 0
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They tell me to forgive any one who has hurt me I say forgive them I want get revenge, my attitude was if there was a God why would he let bad things happen Abuse, Rape, Murder, Sexual Abuse, Mental & Physical Abuse Death of the Young!
I have discovered holding resentments against those who hurt us embarrass or rejected us blocks our healing path. We can ask our selves what is the purpose of hanging on to these feelings serves. Perhaps it is a way of retaliation, our way of punishing the ones that harmed us when in reality it is hurting us the people that hurt us feel nothing no pain.
We get addicted to holding grudges we get emotional satisfaction from them we think we need them maybe we harbor old hurts because we feel sorry for ourselves we think we need them. We don’t want to let go. We even may be afraid if we let them go, there will be nothing else left of us empty; it has been in our lives as long as we can remember.
Resentments poison most of waking hours and possibly our sleeping hours with the weight of burden almost like we are carrying the Whole World on our shoulders always.
When our thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity and revenge we feel so much pain.
Carrying a chip on our shoulder that feels like a boulder it weighs us down, eats away at us and keeps us stuck in misery and defeat we can’t erase it, or press the delete key.
I don’t deny that hurtful things were said or done but I refuse to carry the burdens of bitterness any further I am so tired of carrying the weight day in day out year in year out.
I will not allow the old resentments to drag me down any lower any longer it hurts me.
Forgiving is not forgetting it is letting go for our benefit not for their benefit of them!
I am willing enough to admit that the resentments are holding me back I want to get rid of them because they stops me experiencing any happiness or joy. “ I have to let them go”
Forgiving others for there wrongs they commit is the ultimate act of self-love because it rids us of hurt, pain and frees us of the emotional and physical harms by letting go we set ourselves free.
Acts of forgiveness is done for US, not for someone else. We can set ourselves free by forgiving the wrongdoer’s and ourselves and releasing resentments one by one. Then and only then can we start the healing process and rise from the misery and hurt.
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wow...that's a lot to digest all at once! i'm not really sure what to say about it all...you have a lot to think about though. i'm here if you need to talk... :)
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Sounds like you're doing a lot of soul searching. I like that your outlook is positive even in the face of major depression. You are going through a lot. I believe you can climb out of this hole and your life can be good again. Wishing you the best.
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Read your entry the other day... feelings (combo your words/my experiences) overwhelmed me so tiptoe'd out. Still not prepared to respond in any logical way, so far now will go with an emotional ((((YOU)))) and a hang in there!!
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What a mess! i am sorry that you are in the middle of this. I am sure that your husband will understand and you will have to move on from these "friends". It is no fun feeing like you ned to explain things to your husband when you have both been victimized.
dkimball
Sorry you're in the middle of that mess. Definitely stay away from that Nina. She sounds really unstable.
toddi
my word!!! is she medicated?? if not, she sure as hell should be. what kind of a lunatic does that kind of thing??? i have no idea how to tell you to deal with this...it's one of those things that people are going to believe what they "want" to believe. ya know? i'm so sorry you are dealing with this! hang in there sweety...
leahanne