bluntandsubtle's Journal

We've all seen people who have grown up poor living their lives trying to acquire the money they never had.  They think that once they have wealth, then they'll finally be happy.
We've all seen people who don't feel physically attractive living their whole lives trying to acquire the physical beauty they lack.  They think once they are physically beautiful, then they'll be happy.

And yet we've all seen rich people who are profoundly miserable.  We've all seen physically beautiful people who destroy themselves. 

So why do we think that once we're wealthy or once we're beautiful, then we'll be unstoppably happy?  Are we blind?  Are we fools?  I think the answer is more subtle.  There's a great lie that our hearts constantly tell us.  So often our hearts focus on what we lack.  All of us are more likely to focus on all the things we feel are missing from our lives than we are likely to stop and be grateful for all the things we have.  Our hearts shine a spotlight on what we are missing, and our hearts tell us that unless we get THAT, then we'll never truly be happy. 

So how does all of this relate to self-esteem?  Simple.  Look through this website and over and over you'll find people who lack self-esteem.  And just as with people who lack money or physical beauty, our hearts scream that once we have self-esteem, THEN everything will be good. 

I think I have a unique view on this because unlike most people on DS, I've always had very high self-esteem.  If I lean in any direction, it's more towards arrogance than abject self-hatred.  So just as a wealthy person can tell you that money doesn't buy happiness and just as a physically stunning person can tell you that attractiveness won't solve all your problems, I'm here to tell you that having lots of self-esteem won't make everything better either.  It's just one more desire of the heart that never fully satisfies. 

Please don't misunderstand me.  Just as it's better to have money in the bank than to be living on the streets, it's also better to have self-esteem than to think you're completely worthless.  Self-esteem is a GOOD thing, but it cannot be an ultimate thing.  That's the mistake that I think a lot of people make here.  Because they have so little self-esteem, they make self-esteem into something better than it actually is. 

There are two big problems with putting your desires for happiness into your self-esteem.  First, it's completely self-centered.  If you can find your happiness solely in the fact that you like yourself, then for all purposes you've become an island.  If no one can hurt you because you simply love yourself so much, then you've made yourself a cold person who never gives of themselves and who never makes themselves vulnerable to others. 

The second problem is that an overfocus on self-esteem can lead us into delusions about ourselves.  None of us are saints.  There is not a single person who is always honest, who is always their brother's keeper, or who can always be counted on to do the right thing.  None of us are that moral; none of us are that strong.  A great danger of "self-esteem" type thinking is that we will avoid looking at our character flaws because what we see may disturb us and shake our self-esteem.  But in order for us to improve as human beings, there MUST be a part of us that is unsatisfied with all that could be better in ourselves.  There must be a part of us that strives for something greater.  When we put our hope in our own self-esteem, we start to kill that noble dissatisfaction.  If our happiness is based upon thinking what wonderful people we are, then we will be utterly unable to look honestly upon the darkest parts of ourselves. 

Again, I beg all readers of this journal to understand that I'm not advocating self-hatred.  Nor am I claiming that self-esteem is a bad thing.  My point is that when our hearts lack something good, we tend to take that good thing we lack and turn it into an ultimate thing.  Self-esteem IS a good thing, but it's not THAT good.