AliCat09's Journal

    Found myself thinking about baby, doing the dishes. I thought about it's little hands and feet, about Casey holding it, with the biggest smile on his face. I thought about firsts, first birthday, first steps, first words, first Christmas. I thought about how much I mean to this little person, this little tiny person growing inside of me. How I am it's whole world right now, how this entire life is depending on me not to fuck this one up for once in my life. i started to sing to it the songs my grandmother used to sing to me "Crazy" by Patsy Cline, and " I Fall to Pieces", and for once in a very long time I felt much happier about becoming a mother. I realized that, in many more ways than one, I had already been a mother. A mother to my mother, a mother to Mike, a mother to my sister, because my mom was too drunk to be one for her. I realized how familiar the role is to me, finally. I think the reason that these times are so turmultuous is because I'm dependant on someone for a change, not the other way around. I have someone taking care of me, while I'm taking care of this little one, and it frustrates me, and makes me so much more down on myself. I need to take care of me, for a change. I've been negelecting myself, not knowing what to do in the absence of someone who needs me. I need me, because the baby and I, for this very short time, are one in the same. I've decided to become an English teacher. I'll work on getting my diploma more actively now. I'll  go to the library and check out some good books to relax me. I'll get another part time job. I'll enroll in community college.  I'll finally get things together for myself, for me, and my family. Not just for someone else, as usual.