Journal

   
And no one really reads this anyway so what does it matter. As for what's been going on since I last updated, I am having such a comfortable pregnancy it's amazing! That first trimester is really a hard one, but once ya get out of it it's smooth sailing. I've switched to a midwife, because I am so low risk, and really felt like my last OBs office was more of a baby factory than anything else. With my new midwife I really feel comfortable, safe, and less anxious about not getting the ideal natural birth I want. I don't understand women who go straight for the epi once contractions start. I've felt contractions (with miscarriages your cervix dialates, however not as much as when you carry to term), yeah they suck, but it's nothing worth drugging up my little girl over, and it certainly is nothing worth not being completely in the moment. I want to give birth like my great, great grandmothers did. In my home, with a midwife, free of episiotomy, free of pitocin, free of unnecessary medical intervention, and most definatly free of the routine unnecessary injections and sepparation of baby at birth. That's what birth was meant to be like. Despite my desire for a home birth, I've settled for a hospital one, accompanied by only my midwife and my fiance. Perhaps my grandmother. I have thought about a doula, and have decided not to, since my fiance is really such a sweetheart, and I'm confident he can support me through it all, not to mention the midwife attends the ENTIRE birth, rather than just being in and out like a doctor. I decided to go the hospital route to keep Casey's mother from being too nervous. She had very difficult birth experiences, one resulting in an emergency cesarian. I'm not worried about it at all, and am confident that my body knows what it's doing, and can get this lovely little girl out in to the world safely without the need of any kind of emergency intervention. I've been prepparing my body, exercising, eating nutritious yummy foods and keeping up with my pelvic tilts, keagles and perrineum massages. I still have to be careful, because I have been diagnosed as pre-diabetic, and though I love my sugary sweets so, Casey won't let us have any in the house anymore, so that Lilly won't grow too big for me to deliver. She is running a bit big for her gestational age, however, this is to be expected since Casey was a nine pound baby and I was 8 and a half. I've got the hips to do it though, and they're growing, too! I'm getting the stretch marks to prove it. None on the belly thank goodness, but definately in the hips :( . Oh well, I shall wear them as badges of honor from my passage in to motherhood!

   There's a lot that's been concerning and irritating me lately.. Like with Casey, and his family. Casey has always been synical and pessimistic, gloom and doom, let the world burn kind of attitude towards life. Today we went to apply for a habitat for humanity house. He was even synical about that- I mean, these people are trying to change that. Casey is never happy without his pills. He needs his pills or else he has a terrible time, and nothing will change that. It frustrates the hell out of me. I knew he had an prescription drug problem when we first got together, what is it with me and drug addicts?! He really does have a ligitimate problem that the drugs do help with, however. He has chronic panic attacks so he needs anti-anxiety meds several times a day. He used up all of his xanax and is now borrowing klonopin from his mother on a daily basis. His whole family is being drugged up like crazy from their Dr. Feel Good physician who also sells steroids to drug dealers according to a friend of ours who used to juice himself (discusting!). His mother pops adderol, as does his step-father, Rick. His mother is a ball of stress and anxiety all of the time, and though she is an adorable, wonderful, well-intentioned woman, she stresses me out, and emtionally drains us both at times. She makes me smile, and my shoulders tense up all at once. Rick is alright, he gets pissy a lot of the time, however. I'm worried about moving in with them. I don't think I want my little girl to be in such a stressed out, drug saturated environment. They want to renovate the basement and have us all live together as a family in Lilly's early childhood years so Casey and I can save to establish our own home together. Hopefully the habitat house will work out. It's a no intrest loan on a three bedroom home $550 per month, and you put in 500 hours "sweat equity" building your own home. It's a really awesome opportunity. i am worriedm however, about our not being christians as an issue with the whole ordeal. Today at breakfast with Casey's grandfather and mother, they mentioned us going to church and it was awkward because niether of us are anywhere close to christian. Casey is a stubbourn atheist, and I am looking in to mystic judaism as my spiritual path, studdying the kaballah. Casey disapproves, however, having read tarot and stddies esoteric jewish principals for a while, I just feel I would make myself spiritually fulfilled that way. Everyone thinks I'm so strange for this and it's really disappointing, and saddening to me. Anti-semitism is much more a problem than I origionally thought it was. I thought it was a thing of the past, but people really alienate jews, especially the christians I know. They (the christians) think of jews the same as foreigners. Unable to accept that a memeber of the family could stray from the almighty (and most likely completley fictional) Jesus Christ. I feel like I constantly have to keep my mouth welded shut to hide what I really, truely feel strongly about. Like preserving America from tyranny and the corporate robber barens, and the Bilderburgers. Keeping my daughter safe from federal brainwashing, corporate control, elite engeneered famin, poeverty, and disease. All of the economic crises going on right now do not suprise or alarm me, I had heard them predicted and discussed by little publicised, yet brilliant economists before it even happened. It's also obviously, a deliberate crash consequnce of terrible economic desicions made in 1913 with the Federal reserve and ratified 16th ammendment. Makes me so steamed that most people will shrug me off as a nut before even giving me a chance to demonstrate how well read and educated I am about American history. I had college credits in American history by the end of my junuior year in high school, and I'm still educating myself and learning things that even the public schools A.P. programs skip out. Like the eugenics programs in the 1917-the 1970's that forefully sterilized many unwilling and healthy women (yes there were forceable sterilization laws in the 70s in Inidiana in the U.S.). People call me a nut for having the knowledge of little known, however completely true history that exposes the slow death of America as we know it, and liberty as we love it. I am concerned about the world I am brining my baby girl in to. It may all work out, however. She could lead the rebellion of the New world order someday maybe.