juliec3's Journal

Decided late yesterday (Monday) to call the Fibro and Fatigue Center in Pittsburgh to reschedule the appointment I missed last Wednesday (for shot and IVs).  I wanted to go TODAY (Tuesday).

I was in WAY too much pain; was ridiculously difficult just getting up the flight of stairs I have to everyday in order to leave my bedroom!

My thought was that I'd get up real early (ugh), and try to do this treatment 'trip' all in one day.  So, I set the alarm for early (5:30 AM), but didn't sleep well.  Why?  Who knows...

Even so, I did get up in time to get on the road by 6:30...on the road by 6:45 after stopping for coffee.  Made it to the FFC office by 11 AM, not so bad....there for 3 1/2 hours getting my IVs (got 2 this week: Anti-Viral PLUS Back & Muscle....for the pain; plus my Globulin-something or other shot).  Took  longer than I thought, since the second one had to drip slow since I was already 'saturated', but I was on the road by 2:45...back home by 6:45 PM.

A freakin' 12 hour day!  UGH!  I haven't done this in AGES...seems so ridiculous, doesn't it?  WHY can't I get a damn break with SOMETHING?

Have to do it all again NEXT Tuesday, for at least another 3 weeks.  Yes, I will be VERY broke, but the alternative is to go on feeling like crap, and getting sicker instead of better.  Would it be nice to have someone DRIVE me there?  Sure.  Two people came in for their IVs while I was there, and THEY had drivers with them.

But could I have counted on any of my CALI friends if I lived out there, and went to the SO CAL FFC center?  uh....NO.  Nice, eh?   You learn what people in your life are REALLY like when you need a little help.  I still can't get over they all bailed on me.  The siblings, too...SO selfish.

So I have lost ALL faith in people.  Period.  Been through all this counseling since this 'burnout' happened ten years ago and just when I felt emotionally 'settled', everyone else flaked, and put me further down in the hole than I have EVER been.  I can't even be around people (except for my mother) anymore.  I get irritated; anxious; feel like running out the door.

Will I pay for more therapy?  HELL NO!  Such a waste.  I haven't over-reacted; my brain has just had ENOUGH negativity and rejection.  I don't even really talk anymore, either.  Further into isolation...but does anyone positive, caring, and compassionate 'show me the light' by helping me out of it?

This existence just seems, like I said above, such a waste.  I'm now only here because I don't want to bail on my mother (or my cats).  Trying to forget about how good I felt living by the ocean (mid/late 90s), or in Sacramento (late 80s-mid 90s), when the friends seemed like real friends.  Since then pure hell is all my life has been.