louisanna6's Journal

my life is fucking bizarre.

I trust this kid. He is good for me. But i feel really crappy about it right now. It was such a big deal to me. I have been thinking about him for days now. And he just seemed like it was more of a footnote. Yep, thats my life. My world is shattered never to be as it was, and its just the other person's footnote. A blip on the radar. Not like I blame him, he has his own crap to tend to. It did remind me of my own cynicism tho. I hadnt had that in a while either. 

He says no one trusts him. Well obiviously i did then. But its not enough? I dunno. 

He has a girl he likes or could like from English. Good. I hope she treats him better than Sarah is currently treating him. That girl is something else. I can kind of understand wanting to try something new. I can understand Zach not being upset too. I get it. But i don't want him to suffer like me. I dunno if he could even, but i think maybe. 

I feel kinda frustrated. I wanted to be something more with Zach. But thats never my story. Its ok, this is better, but still I am frustrated. And I dont really want him to help as much anymore. I dont want to just be a footnote. 

I wonder what I did. What did I do in life to be like this? When did I put on the nothing but a friend hat? This could have worked, but it was probably too wrong to being with. Hopefully he just won't spin into darkness like me. Hopefully I can help him with that. That would be enough. The thing is I almost think he won't go there. Unlike me he can move on. He has that power. Me, I'm just stuck here forever. People come and pass me by, but i just watch them go. 

My family is fucked. Grandpa is going to die. He is having surgery. I gotta decide quick if I am ever going to talk to him. Dad will flip out if I do and he finds out. I dunno if I can be who I am and not talk to Grandpa. Its a hard thing to deny a dying man's wish. But I don't know what I think about it. I can't tell. Its too complicated for anyone but me to figure out. I kinda want to abandon all family ever. Bye Dad, Mom, everyone. Some of you helped me, some of you hurt me, but for now, peace out. I dont think I will do that, but a part of me really wants to. 

Another part of me wants to go hide in the corner and die. Zach is amazing, but i feel like a footnote. Family is fucked. My other friends are still my own. They are still positive, but they are distant. Even the ones here with me at school felt distant today. I feel like im living in a dream where all the parts are disconected. Like i can't remember how i transitioned from one thing to the next. its all a big blur. 

Life is way more complicated than it should be sometimes... No, make that all the time...

When does it start getting easier again?