louisanna6's Journal

I went for a walk today. Walks are for therapy. I generally reserve them for my moments of highest confusion.

I was oddly introspective. I thought of all the phases of my childhood in Mira Mesa. There were those friends I had down the street. I can't even remeber their name, Arron was the older brother i think. Then there was riding my bike to Rebecca's house. Her and I used to hang a lot. Then there was just the idea of walking which takes me back to my Grandparent's death. Then there was the mormon church stretch which reminds me of walking home from Hage. 

I spent like 10 mins at Libra park. I went to the tree and just stood by it. My heart started beating pretty loud just being there again. That place has been a lot to me. Looking over to the pool I remember how my Dad and I got into swimming around the time of my Grandma's illness. Then there were all those years trying to get my Mother to spend time with me while failing pitifully. I remember sitting by that tree one time and talking to Sally. I was reading something she gave me about Tae Kwon Doe. I rememhabered feeling so honored that she gave it to me. The feeling was so strong... And then of course that tree was where I spent time with my Ex. Libra has been the setting of many scenes of my life. 

Normally this kind of introspection helps me better appreciate the person I have become. But not today. I feel like that person with all of those experiences is just wrapping it up. I am about to be something new and leave all this behind me. I can hardly articulate the implications that accompany the idea. 

I feel warm and dead, comforted and suffering, lost but found. I can not understand anything. But everything makes perfect sense. 

And suddenly existentialism is starting to sound better and better.