Journal

I haven't written a journal entry for so long...I don't know what to write!   I just know that it is two a.m. and I am wide awake!  Cannot sleep.....  I have no idea what is going on with me.....My job is worrisome...less and less hours at the hospital...less work...only enough work for 2 people in transcription, but we have 3......one of us, not me, is a big slacker...but they don't let one of us go, so every third week...when it is your turn, you have to not work and use up your vacation time.....how fair is that?  I have worked SO hard going to school to get this job and for a while earned SO much money...and every year it just dwindles.....

I would love to just start over and do something totally different....but what?  How can I just start over.  I have the benefits, our insurance.......so much to worry about.

I like working less, to be honest.....so much to do...I can get the laundry done, the dishes, clean the house, do the errands....but less money....that is always a worry.  My kids are grown, yes, 20 and 23, but still need me lots.  Kara lives at home and Seth is out in Colorado....I still support them alot, because I want to. 

I still have not found who I am at the old ripe age of 49 and counting....I do not want to turn 50 in June...so superficial.......it is just a number, but making me count the years and think, hey, i really don't have THAt much time left...look how fast the years have gone by....just the sound of  50 sounds SO so So old....I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, to sum it up....I am still a huge F up and no better off than 3 years ago......just doing what I have to do and getting by....not happy with anything or making an progress.  What a cry baby, huh?  I hate that.  That's why I hate myself.   Geez....straighten up....slap myself in the face...get a life.....just DO it.....

Well....until the next year so......maybe I will learn from myself and do something positive with my life and go forward, but we will see...