pointytoes's Journal

Ok, so I know the only person who reads my journals is Mia, and she already knows all of this (you don't have to read this, Mia; it's all going to be review for you), but I felt like some day I might look back on all my journals and wonder what was going on during this giant gap, so I thought I should at least give a brief update.

Things are pretty good right now. I have a crush on someone. Hm... what should I call him? Lifesaver? Light at the end of the tunnel? I feel like that's what he is for me, even though he doesn't realize it. Because of him, I'm finally getting over CV. I don't think about CV anymore. I don't care about him anymore. I think about this guy (seriously, what should I call him? He'll be EB for now). Thinking about him makes me happy, talking to him makes me happy, in a way that I hadn't imagined I would feel since CV broke up with me. Sometimes I think he likes me back, but sometimes I think he just likes me as a friend. But either way, he has done so much for me just by talking to me. I can't describe it... of course, I hope he likes me back and will eventually ask me out... but even if he doesn't, I feel I have turned a corner, incredibly, thanks to him. It's funny; he doesn't even realize what he's done for me. He just talks to me every day, tells me he misses talking to me when he doesn't, etc. I look forward to talking to him all the time. But I really hope we can take a step further; I'm just afraid he doesn't feel the same way. I hope someday I can tell him what he's done for me.

I'm working on gaining weight, too. I have to keep a food diary for three days because the nutritionist we're going to meet with told me too, even though my therapist advised against it. I hate it. I have to measure my food before I eat it, and write down exactly what I ate and how much and when. It's so annoying, and it really is making eating so much harder rather than easier. It's making eating a chore, which, at this point, it really shouldn't be. Right now, I just need to eat and pretend like it's a routine like brushing my teeth or tying my shoes. Instead, it's turning into this awful chore that takes way more time and energy than it should, and therefore I'm avoiding doing it. I think this is the opposite of what the nutritionist wants. And my mom doesn't seem to understand that. She was yelling at me, saying she would just call the doctor and tell her I refused to comply with the nutritionist. She doesn't understand how hard this is for me, and I'm afraid I can't make her understand without telling her about the ana, but I really don't want to do that because I know how she'll react: she'll freak out, and then look over my shoulder every time I eat and force me to eat when I'm not hungry and do all sorts of things that are just going to make matters worse. I don't know what to do: if I don't tell her, she doesn't understand why this is so hard. If I do, she'll make it worse in a different way. This sucks.