pointytoes's Journal

I had another appointment with the therapist today. I think it was ok. I cried for the first time in over a week in her session. We talked about my anorexia and my reluctance to gain weight, and for some reason my mom was a big part of our conversation. We talked a lot about my expectations for myself and how that relates to the ana, and my mom's expectations for me and how that is leading to her ignorance about the ana. And I realized how great my mom is, how much I love her, and how wonderful she's been, even if her eyes are closed to the ana. It makes me sad to think that I've been taking her for granted, and I wish I could make it up to her.

In other news, I had to do my first stage kiss during rehearsal for Millie. And also my first kiss since CV. It was... kind of traumatizing, for a few reasons:

1. The guy I had to kiss is a friend of mine, so that alone made it awkward.

2. I think it was his first kiss, and therefore made me feel awkward, but also made the kiss really awkward because he has no idea what he's doing.

And I only just realized this in retrospect, but I think the fact that this was my first kiss since CV made it so much worse for me. Every time I think about it, I get butterflies, but the bad kind; the nauseating nervous (not excited!) kind. I don't want to kiss any guy right now, let alone this poor guy in front of everyone. Plus, the kiss itself is soooo awkward; it's more like a lip-bump. But I don't want to say anything or make either one of us more uncomfortable. I just don't like it. I wish there was a way around it or to make it better.

*sigh* High school can be so complicated.