pointytoes's Journal

I feel awful all the time.

I constantly feel anxious, too, and it's affecting me physically now. It's really hard to eat. And I don't mean it in an anorexic way; that's not what this is about right now. It's just that before recently, I would freak out whenever I saw them together. Now, it's like the idea of seeming them together makes my heart race and makes me feel like I want to barf. It's like when you're about to perform, and you're waiting in the wings about to go on. That feeling, but constant. All the time. I can't get away from it. And when it comes to food, I feel sick all the time, so i don't want to eat. But I'm so hungry, that I try, but I feel nauseous and i can't. It's horrible. I would have given anything for an excuse like this not to eat a year ago, but now... I'm scared. I need help. I've lost about five pounds in the past few days. I used to way between 92 and 95 pounds. When i weighed myself this morning, I was 88.5.

I feel horrible all the time. And I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of feeling like disappearing. I just want it to end.

I don't want to commit suicide. It's never something I would even consider. I don't want to die. But right now, i don't want to live either. I just want it all to end. But I wouldn't go to those lengths to end it, don't worry. I just have to suck it up and go on with my life, because the world won't stop even when it feels like there's no point in going on.