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pointytoes 
10:42pm, November 11, 2009
Every moment, i feel different.
Monday night was when I saw it: on facebook, he had changed his status to "In a relationship" with her. I know it's stupid, but it affected me so much. It's like... rubbing it my face even more than holding hands at school. It was horrible. I took about five giant leaps back into the depression i thought I was getting out of, and I can't seem to move forward.
Yesterday at school, I couldn't escape them. They were everywhere. At lunch, because of AP testing, everyone had to eat outside, which is where they always sit. Just yards from me, there they were. She was sitting in his lap. I couldn't hold in the tears; I pretended to read with my head down while everyone else in my group was talking. I get upset just thinking about it.
All day yesterday I was so depressed during school. Eveyr moment, I felt like I was going to burst with anger, jealousy, depression, but most of all, missing him. I feel it tearing at me every second, pulling me into this dark place that I can't crawl out of.
Then, today at school, I was fine. I felt like my old self. I didn't see either of them all day, and as long as i kept myself distracted, i could be myself.
Then at dance, i suddenly felt horribly depressed again. My teacher even asked me if i was ok. I am not!
My mom has an appointement set up for me to see a therapist next Thursday. It was the only time she could see me without taking me out of school, which I can't afford to miss right now because it's finals weeks for this week and next week. But I don't know if I can make it that long without falling apart. I don't know who can help me, or how. I'm in such an awful place right now, and I need to get out of it.
I miss him so much.
Make the hurting stop. Please. I want it to go away. It's like a ghost, always following me, even if it's not obvious at the time. Eventually it will burst out again.
This is ruining my life. I need some way to regain control.
I want him back.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to lie in my bed and never go back to school or anywhere again.
Comments
Old entries of mine:
July 8, 2008
"I continue to daydream of what my life would be like without a member of my family. Every time they leave, I'm scared they won't come back. I feel lonely because I've become extremely socially awkward. I'm not fun and outgoing anymore. I'm just...uncomfortable around people yet, terrified of being alone. I feel awful and I just want to curl up in a bawl and fade away."
August 5, 2008
"A word to describe how I feel, would be miserable. On the up side, I'm going to start a group therapy for teen girls. I'm excited and terrified. Much like I am for high school.I'm excited to get one step closer.Closer to college or recovery. Terrified that I won't be enough. Strong enough, smart enough, brave enough, nice enough, GOOD enough. I feel like I just fall short. I barely make it....I hate myself. I just want to be happy for a little while. Like my friends. My friends have great lives and I'm jealous."
September 6, 2008
"I feel so depressed that I"m actually in pain. Physical pain. It feels hard to breathe. I'm so tired of crying, that I cry because I cry. A lot of people are trying to help me and that hurts because I feel like I'm failing them all. I just. I...I'M SO STUPID! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT! I'M A STUPID PERSON LIVING A HELL OF A LIFE! There's no way out, and we can look as much as we want but there is no way out.DAMMIT! I was supposed to be cured by now and instead I'm worse than how I started. I'm such a freak! Everything hurts! Everything is painful! Everything is frightening! How am I suppose to live like this? How do I stay strong? I want to just suck it up, but I can't. I'm so obnoxious. I complain all the time and I'm sick of hearing my voice. I don't even know if any of this makes sense. my thoughts just jumbled and fast and I can't catch a group of thoughts that make sense together. And my mind is stuck on the same nagging thoughts. About how stupid I am or how weak I am or how these stupid voices have way to much control over me and I'll do something stupid again. But I thought I was too good for that. Didn't I say that I wasn't going to anything stupid anymore. I mean, a couple days ago everything was going great. What happened? Why is everything turning into crap? I just feel pathetic."
October 6, 2008
"Why is there no way to stop me from crying or panicking? Why can't all of this stop? I'm so frustrated and I truly think that the only reason that I haven't tried to commit suicide is because I"m scared I"ll fail. That because of some miracle, I'll live. And I don't want that to happen. I want to be dead, that's it, the end. And I hate how overly dramatic that sounds. I wish there was a way (faster than medications) to cure my saddness. "
portosicuro