Journal

Ok, so I know the only person who reads my journals is Mia, and she already knows all of this (you don't have to read this, Mia; it's all going to be review for you), but I felt like some day I might look back on all my journals and wonder what was going on during this giant gap, so I thought I should at least give a brief update.

Things are pretty good right now. I have a crush on someone. Hm... what should I call him? Lifesaver? Light at the end of the tunnel? I feel like that's what he is for me, even though he doesn't realize it. Because of him, I'm finally getting over CV. I don't think about CV anymore. I don't care about him anymore. I think about this guy (seriously, what should I call him? He'll be EB for now). Thinking about him makes me happy, talking to him makes me happy, in a way that I hadn't imagined I would feel since CV broke up with me. Sometimes I think he likes me back, but sometimes I think he just likes me as a friend. But either way, he has done so much for me just by talking to me. I can't describe it... of course, I hope he likes me back and will eventually ask me out... but even if he doesn't, I feel I have turned a corner, incredibly, thanks to him. It's funny; he doesn't even realize what he's done for me. He just talks to me every day, tells me he misses talking to me when he doesn't, etc. I look forward to talking to him all the time. But I really hope we can take a step further; I'm just afraid he doesn't feel the same way. I hope someday I can tell him what he's done for me.

I'm working on gaining weight, too. I have to keep a food diary for three days because the nutritionist we're going to meet with told me too, even though my therapist advised against it. I hate it. I have to measure my food before I eat it, and write down exactly what I ate and how much and when. It's so annoying, and it really is making eating so much harder rather than easier. It's making eating a chore, which, at this point, it really shouldn't be. Right now, I just need to eat and pretend like it's a routine like brushing my teeth or tying my shoes. Instead, it's turning into this awful chore that takes way more time and energy than it should, and therefore I'm avoiding doing it. I think this is the opposite of what the nutritionist wants. And my mom doesn't seem to understand that. She was yelling at me, saying she would just call the doctor and tell her I refused to comply with the nutritionist. She doesn't understand how hard this is for me, and I'm afraid I can't make her understand without telling her about the ana, but I really don't want to do that because I know how she'll react: she'll freak out, and then look over my shoulder every time I eat and force me to eat when I'm not hungry and do all sorts of things that are just going to make matters worse. I don't know what to do: if I don't tell her, she doesn't understand why this is so hard. If I do, she'll make it worse in a different way. This sucks.

I'm at writing camp right now! It's so amazing, and it's sooo much fun!

I don't feel much like going over the whole schpeal right now (Mia, I sent you an email!!! You should have gotten it!). But I thought it'd be cool if I posted some of the writing I've done so far.

I'm not going to post any of the story or prose writing I've done; just a few poems I've squeezed out.

First, we went to this place called the Japanese Garden. It's this really beautiful place that's supposed to be like a Japanese Garden (duh). It fullll of nature, which is, of course, a great inspiration for poetry. Here's the first poem I wrote in the garden:

Shhh, says the water

As it splashes down from rock to surface.

Stop a moment, it says.

Be quiet and listen.

Listen to what’s around you.

Do you hear it? 

Look, says the water

As a breeze makes it curl and the sun makes it glimmer.

Stop a moment, it says.

Close your eyes and watch.

Watch as nature unfolds before you.

Do you see it? 

Feel, says the water

As it smears the reflection of thirsty eyes.

Stop a moment, it says.

Reach out and touch.

Touch the life that surrounds you.

Do you feel it?

Then this next one is a poem of a series of haiku. If you don't know what a haiku is, it's basically a three-line poem that follows this system:

Five syllables

Seven syllables

Five syllables.

So here's the haiku poem:

There is no silence.

Always a trickling stream

And running water. 

There is no silence

When the world craves ceaseless noise

And constant friction. 

There is no silence

Among the living, dancing

Creatures of this earth. 

There is no silence

When the world calls for more,

Endlessly wanting. 

There is no silence.

Nature is always singing.

“Come and join my song.”

 There is no silence

In a world always moving

But there can be peace.

And lastly, we had a songwriting workshop, where we basically picked a quote from our favorite book, and wrote a poem that had a rhythm to it, so we could later make it a song. (I've already begun writing the melody; it's going pretty well. I've tried writing songs before, and it's always failed! But this is going ok.) It's obviously not completed, but it's just a few verses or something to get the idea across, and I'll change it up later. Here's the first draft:

By the way, the quote was from Pride and Prejudice, and it was "My courage always rises with every attempt to intimidate me."

My courage always rises

When they try to push me down

Because I know who I am

I know what I want

And I will not be tossed around. 

Sometimes I feel the world

Pressing down against my shoulders

But when I know who I am

When I know what I want

I can find the strength to move boulders. 

There are people in your life

Who’ll try to keep you small.

But when you rise to the challenge,

You can push away them all. 

Sometimes it’s hard to know

If the path you’re taking is right.

You just have to trust your heart

To guide you through the night.

That's pretty much it so far. Yeah. It's really great. I've met some amazing people here. Oh, and I spent two hours yesterday in the LARGEST INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORE IN THE WORLD, called Powell's City of Books! "City" is no understatement! It's soooooo huge! It's a block in width and length, and four stories high! It's so big! They hand out maps at the entrance because it's so easy to get lost! I spent about 45 minutes going up and down the fiction aisle just looking at books that seemed interesting, and I only got to J! I bought 7 books yesterday. I ended up spending 40 bucks! But the great thing about it is they're all so cheap; 7 books for 40 bucks is a good deal!! It's amazing!!!!

I had another appointment with the therapist today. I think it was ok. I cried for the first time in over a week in her session. We talked about my anorexia and my reluctance to gain weight, and for some reason my mom was a big part of our conversation. We talked a lot about my expectations for myself and how that relates to the ana, and my mom's expectations for me and how that is leading to her ignorance about the ana. And I realized how great my mom is, how much I love her, and how wonderful she's been, even if her eyes are closed to the ana. It makes me sad to think that I've been taking her for granted, and I wish I could make it up to her.

In other news, I had to do my first stage kiss during rehearsal for Millie. And also my first kiss since CV. It was... kind of traumatizing, for a few reasons:

1. The guy I had to kiss is a friend of mine, so that alone made it awkward.

2. I think it was his first kiss, and therefore made me feel awkward, but also made the kiss really awkward because he has no idea what he's doing.

And I only just realized this in retrospect, but I think the fact that this was my first kiss since CV made it so much worse for me. Every time I think about it, I get butterflies, but the bad kind; the nauseating nervous (not excited!) kind. I don't want to kiss any guy right now, let alone this poor guy in front of everyone. Plus, the kiss itself is soooo awkward; it's more like a lip-bump. But I don't want to say anything or make either one of us more uncomfortable. I just don't like it. I wish there was a way around it or to make it better.

*sigh* High school can be so complicated.