junestar's Journal

Another day, I woke and suddenly realized my days have no structure. So today I will start by making an outline for my day.

When I kept a physical daily planner I did this  and it seemed to help keep me going. Lately , for some time now, I've just woke to a nothing day. Laid around, played on the pc, did house work occassionally and go out to get necessities. I'm very clear right now that I have to make my days different as I have no life to speak of. I never indulge in going to the movies, renting movies, getting involved in activities with people my age. I never to out to bars or just to meet people.

It's very difficult living in this one horse town with NO events and no inspiration to become involved in anything . I've tried finding a volunteer position, but it's like places don't give a damn about that here. Everyone who gets even a traffic violation it seems ends up being assigned to "community service" this takes up most of the volunteer positions in this community. 

I'm so sick of living here in this dead end town that I want to rent a truck, load my stuff & just drive away. I'm not sure where to go though. It's too expensive to go very far. Seattle is just a ferry ride away, but it's also more expensive to live there. Tacoma is only about 25 miles away & it's less expensive than Seattle. I have a sister who lives there & she never gets out of her apt except to walk to the corner grocery store. She has less income than I do but  it seems it's more like she has no motivation. Just like me !!

What is happening ?????????????? Why has life become such a bore. 

When I had a car it was better, cos I could go about shopping,to chruch,  to the movies, out to a bar, to visit friends, etc. Now I depend on the bus & it stops running at 6pm and there is NO Sunday service at all. 

When I do go to the mall or some place its just to get out of the apt, I don't usually buy anything. I seldom desire new things. I do buy a new outfit a couple of times a yr when I can afford it. But life has gone flat. 

I haven't had a date in 4 yrs. I meet men,,, but they are just interested in one time sex & I don't want a string of sexual encounters with many different partners. I want someone to care about me and love me. I don't think thats so much to ask. Sometimes I think "oh my God I have probably 30 more yrs to live & is this all there is going to be?" What a dreadful thought!.