portosicuro's Journal

I've been thinking about "living in the moment". I think people really misunderstand the meaning. They think that it's walking down the street at night with a friend and because they "live in the moment", they get drunk. I don't think that's it. I see it as walking with a friend and starting to tell them that I’m glad they could come because I love spending time with them. It’s different. Because tomorrow night, I can easily get drunk, but tomorrow night, my friend could be gone.

Ask any of my friends and they know that I think about this. Every chance I get, I try to make it clear that I care about them. I give them presents and send them notes. I do that when I feel a rush of gratefulness or I dwell on our friendship. What if one day…I talk to them on the phone for five minutes as they’re making pancakes and then they have to go. Then later that day, something happens and I never got to taste a pancake and tell them how good they tasted.

No matter the circumstance, I would regret not tell them something. Something they could have thought about before they left. So that they’d feel safe knowing that I love them so deeply.

I’m really scared. I know that everyone is going to die and everyone is going to distance and everyone has the possibility to be furious with me for some reason, and leave. And that even though it was meant to be; even though we met to help each other and we were both officially helped…I don’t want to let go. I don’t want them to leave.

I really love you, Cara, for checking DS and reading this. I really love you, Sam, for remembering to read this even though it's long. Jamie, I love you for reading this despite how long you’ve known me. I don’t want you guys to leave. I know you have no control over that and neither do I and that’s the scary part.

I want to live the moment and embrace everything around me. But I don’t know how.

Today I picked a card. It said, “Goals” then “Set a goal, write it down and release the outcome.” then “Small steps make a big difference.” When I went back to find this card, to write it down, it was upside down and very easy to find. J My goal is to not be afraid of loss, but emotionally start preparing for it. It’s a hard frickin goal. I need a smaller one for today…

Help?