MEREATTA's Journal

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START .  I HAD AN CAR ACCIDENT IN 1991 THAT WAS TOTALLY MY OWN FAULT AND THANK GOD I DIDN'T HURT OR KILL  ANYONE !  I JUST HURT MYSELF AND DID I DO IT GOOD !  I WAS DRIVING DRUNK DIDN'T HAVE ON MY SEAT BELT. I HAD ROLLED MY WINDOW DOWN AS TO GET SOME FRESH AIR TO HELP ME MAKE IT HOME. I WAS ONLY ABOUT 1 MILE FROM MY HOME.  I WAS SPEEDING {THE POLICE LATER INFORMED ME THAT I WAS GOING ABOUT 90 MPH.} WELL, I HAD ROLLED THE WINDOW DOWN TO HELP KEEP ME AWAKE  AND IT DIDN'T WORK . I PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL AND HIT A VERY LARGE CEMENT CULVERT IN MY 1982 DELTA 88.  THE IMPACT THREW ME OUT OF THE DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW AND I LANDED ABOUT 150 FT. AWAY ATOP A GAS METER .  MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS THAT SOMEONE WAS RAPING ME BECAUSE I COULD FEEL  MY SKIRT BEING CUT OFF OF ME , I MADE MYSELF OPEN MY EYES SO I COULD SEE WHO I THOUGHT WAS RAPING ME. WELL, IT WAS AN EMS WORKER { WHO JUST HAPPENED TO BE MY SISTER'S EX BOYFRIEND } HE WAS CUTTING MY SKIRT SO THAT THE COULD SEE WHAT MY INJURIES WERE. WHEN I FINALLY OPENED MY EYES AND  SEEN HIM AND I REALIZED THAT I WAS IN THE BACK OF THE AMBULANCE, HE SO SWEETLY TOLD ME TO JUST CLOSE MY EYEAND RELAX AND  THAT I WAS SAFE, HE WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME. THAT IS WHAT I DID. I VAGUELY REMEBER BEING AT THE CLOSEST HOSPITAL FOR A SHORT TIME . I GAVE THEM SUCH A HARD TIME !  I WAS BEGGING/CURSING FOR WATER OR ICE CAUSE I WAS SO THIRSTY AND DEHYDRATED.  THEY COULD NOT GIVE ME ANY BECAUSE THEY KNEW THAT I WOULD BE GOING INTO SURGERY WHEN I GOT TO THE NEXT HOSPITAL IN NEW ORLEANS . AFTER THAT, I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING TIL I WOKE UP OUT OF THE COMA I HAD WENT INTO ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL IN N.O.  ABOUT 2 HRS. AWAY.

    WHEN I DID WAKE UP ABOUT 5 DAYS LATER, EVERYTHING SEEMED LIKE IT HAD BEEN A LONG NIGHTMARE THAT I COULDN'T WAKE UP FROM.  ONE OF MY EXBOYFRIENDS WAS SITTING NEXT TO ME AND I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS HE DOING THERE AND WHAT WAS I DOING THERE. HE TOLD ME THAT HE COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT I WAS WAKING UP AND HE WAS VERY HAPPY THAT I HAD . I WAS STILL PRETTY GROGGY AND I LOOKED DOWN AT MY BODY AND I ASKED HIM WHAT THIS WEIRD LOOKING THING WAS ON MY BELLY. HE INFORMED ME THAT I HAD  A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT AND THAT THE *THING* ON MY BELLY WAS MY LEFT ARM. IT LOOKED LIKE A ELBOW MACARONI ! IT WAS SWOLLEN ABOUT 10 TIMES  IT'S NORMAL SIZE. HE TOLD ME THAT THEY HAD TO PUT 2 RODS IN MY LEFT FOREARM. I ASKED HIM WHERE MY HUSBAND AND MY MAMA WAS AND HE TOLD ME ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE THAT WERE OUT IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR ME . ABOUT THAT TIME THE ICU NURSE CAME OVER AND MADE HIM LEAVE. THE NURSE TOOK MY CITALS AND ASKED ME HOW I WAS FEELING AND MY NAME, THE YEAR ETC...

THEN I GOT TO SEE MY HUSBAND AND MY MAMA LATER THAT DAY. THE DR. CAME TO SEE ME AND EXPLAINED TO ME WHAT HAD HAPPENED AND WHAT MEDICAL PROCEDURES THEY HAD DONE TO ME ALREADY AND WHAT I HAD LEFT TO BE DONE. HE TOLD ME, MY HUSBAND, AND MY MOTHER ALL AT THE SAME TIME WHAT MY PROGNOSIS WAS. THE DRS. HAD ALRAEDY PUT THE 2 RODS IN MY FOREARM AND DONE SURGERY TO HANDLE ALL THE INTERNAL INJURIES I HAD. WHICH IS ONE KIDNEY REMOVED A PIECE OF MY LIVER HAD TO BE REMOVED AND A LARGE BLOOD CLOT WAS REMOVED FROM THE MAIN ARTERY GOING TO MY HEART . HE WENT ON TO EXPLAINED THAT MY LOWER SPINE WAS CRUSHED AND THAT I HAD TO WAIT FOR 2 WEEKS TO HEAL FROM THE 1ST SURGERY TIL HE COULD DO ANYTHING WITH MY BACK AND I WOULD PROBALY BE PARALYZED FROM THE CHEST DOWN. I HAD 5 SMALL CHILDREN AT THE TIME AND I JUST COULDN'T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I WOULD BE PARALYZED AND THAT I COULDN'T TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS THE WAY I HAD BEFORE. THE DR. TOLD ME THAT HE WAS GOING TO DO HIS BEST TO FIX ME UP, BUT DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH. WELL, THAT WAS THE LONGEST 2 WEEKS OF MY LIFE !!! THEY MOVED ME AFTER A FEW DAYS TO A REGULAR WARD IN THE HOSPITAL. THE ICU NURSE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD ALOT OF MAGAZINES AT HOME AND SHE WAS GOING TO BRING THEM TO ME SO I WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO TO PASS THE TIME.

        THEY CAME EVERYDAY WITH AN XRAY MACHINE TO TAKE XRAYS OF MY SPINE . THAT WAS HORRIBLE ! IT WAS SO PAINFUL BECAUSE THEY HAD TO RAISE ME UP AND SLIDE THE PLATES UNDER ME THEN TAKE THE XRAY AND RAISE ME UP AGAIN AND TAKE OUT THE SLIDE. THE GUYS THAT DID THAT WERE VERY ROUGH AND I WOULD CRY EVERYTIME I HEARD THE MACHINE COMING DOWN THE HALL.  MY FAMILY VISITED WHEN THEY COULD MY MAMA TOOK CARE OF MY KIDS SO THAT MY HUSBAND COULD BE THERE WITH ME . AFTER ABOUT A WEEK THE ICU NURSE CAME TO GIVE ME THE MAGAZINES AND SHE DIDN'T RECONIZE ME BECAUSE ALOT OF THE SWELLING HAD WENT DOWN AND I WEIGHED ABOUT 100LBS. AT THE TIME. i'M 5FT8IN. AND SHE TOLD ME THAT I HAD LOST ABOUT 75 LBS OF WATER WEIGHT FROM THE SWELLING. 

           FINALLY THE 2 WEEKS WAS UP AND THEY COULD DO MY BACK SURGERY. THE DRS. MADE MY MAMA AND MY HUSBAND SIGN A RELEASE FORM BECAUSE THE MATERIAL THEY WAS GOING TO USE TO REBUILD MY BACK WAS TOTALLY NEW AND HAD NEVER BEEN USED BEFORE. THEY COULDN'T PROMISE THAT I WAS GOING TO ANY BETTER THAN WHEN I WENT IN THE OPERATING ROOM. I WAS IN SURGERY FOR 18 HRS AND HAD 24 PINTS OF BLOOD GIVEN TO ME DURING SURGERY. AFTER THE SURGERY, THEY PUT ME ON A BED/TABLE TAHT CONSTANTLY ROTATED. IT ONLY STOPPED LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TOE EAT. I DON'T REMEMBER ALOT ABOUT THOSE DAYS BECAUSE THE WERE INJECTING ME WITH MORPHINE AND I STAYED PRETTY OUT OF IT FOR AWHILE . THEN, I FINALLY GOT OFF THAT DANG TABLE, AND I JUST LAYED IN THE BED FOR QUITE AWHILE AND I HAD A COUPLE OF COMPICATIONS DURING THE NEXT FEW WEEKS. FINALLY AFTER I HAD BEEN THERE FOR A LONG TIME, I BEGGED THE DR. EVERYDAY TO LET ME GO DOWN TO THE PHYSICAL REHAB AND TRY TO WALK. WHEN I FINALLY GOT TO GO, THEY PUT THE BELT THINGY ON ME AND I HAD A NURSE ONEACH SIDE OF ME AND I TOOK 1 TINY LIL STEP ! I WAS SOOOO EXCITED BECAUSE I KNEW IN MY HEART THAT IF I COULD TAKE 1 STEP I COULD TAKE MANY MORE IN TIME !  EACH DAY, I WENT DOWN THERE AND EACH DAY I WOULD TAKE 1 MORE STEP THAN THE DAY BEFORE.  I WAS ELATED !!! 

        NOW, ALL THIS TIME, I HAD NOTHING TO DO BUT LAY AND THINK ABOUT ALL THE WRONG THINGS IN MY LIFE AND HOW BAD I HAD SCREWED UP MY LIFE.....AND .......THOUGHT ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS IN MY LIFE, MY DEVOTED HUSBAND { WHO SLEPT ONTHE FLOOR VERYNITE JUST TO BE WITH ME } MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN WHOM I MISSED TERRIBLY AND THEY MISSED ME, MY SISTER'S AND BROTHERS, MY WHOLE FAMILY !! AND I EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.I CURSED GOD AND EVERYBODY THAT WOULD LISTEN AND EVEN THOSE WHO DIDN'T THATTHEY HAD SAVED MY LIFE ! WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST LET ME DIE ? I WAS SUCH A MISERABLE WOMAN ! IN THE BEGINNING OF ALL OF THIS. .BUT ALL THAT TIME TO THINK AND THANK GOD THAT WAS ALIVE AND I WOULD GET TO WATCH MY SMALL CHILDREN GROW UP AND COOK DINNER FOR THEM AGAIN AND GO TO THE PARK AND THE LIL THINGS THAT WE TAKE FOR GRANTED EVERYDAY. I HAD A HARD TIME AT FIRST DEALING WITH THE *NEW* ME .  BUT NOW EVEN THROUGH THE CONSTANT PAIN THAT I LIVE WITH  WHICH SOMETIMES IS ALMOST UNBEARABLE I WANT TO CUT MY LEGS OFF ! I STILL THANK THE LORD EVERYDAY WHEN I WAKE UP AND PUT MY TWO FEET ON THE FLOOR AND TAKE THOSE FIRST COUPLE STEPS EVEN THO' IT HURTS !  I AM SOOOOO THANKFUL THAT THE LORD BLESSED ME WITH MORE TIME ON THIS EARTH TO SEE MY KIDS GROW UP AND HAVE KIDS OF THEIR OWN AND ITHANK HIM THAT I WAS THERE AND COULD TAKE CARE OF MY MAMA WHEN HER TIME CAME TO MEET HER MAKER. I THANK THE LORD FOR ALL THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT YOU REALLY DON'T THINK ABOUT .  LIKE THE WIND ON YOUR FACE,THE SUN IN YOUR EYES, THE BIRDS, THE TREES THE SMELL OF FRESH LAUNDRY, THE ODOR THAT COMES AFTER A GOOD RAIN, THE SMILES I SEE ON MY GRANDBABIES FACES, THE SOUND OF THEIR VOICES TELLING ME THAT I'M THE BEST MEME IN THE WORLD, MY HUSBAND TELLING ME HE LOVES ME, AND I KNOW WITH ALL MY HEART HE DOES, THE SOUND OF MY OWN VOICE TELLING EVERYONE I LOVE THAT I LOVE THEM AS MUCH AS I POSSIBLY CAN, JUST REALLY TRYING TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS LIFE THAT I CAN ! ! !    ALWAYS IN THE MIX THO' IS THE PAIN, ACHES, SPASMS ETC... YA KNOW WHAT THOUGH ? SOMETIMES I EVEN THANK THELORD FOR MY PAIN, IT REMINDS ME HOW CLOSE I CAME TO LOSING EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE EVEN LFE ITSELF.   DON'T GET ME WRONG, I STILL GET MAD AT MYSELF FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME . I GET MAD WHEN MY PAIN IS UNBEARABLE AND I'M JUST A DOWNRIGHT MISERABLE HUMAN BEING !  I CAN'T BLAME ANYONE BUT MYSELF !  I JUST WISH THAT I COULD HAVE THE PAIN MANAGEMENT THAT I NEED TO REALLY MAKE MY PAIN BEARABLE. THE SHORT WHILE THAT I WAS ON PIAN MANAGEMENT IT WAS AS IF I WAS A DIFFERENT PERSON, ALMOST PAIN FREE !!!  I TRULY WISH THE LORD WILL BLESS ME WTH THE HELP I NEED TO BE THAT WAY AGAIN.  AMEN ~N~ AMEN !!!

                                          SIGNED : MEREATTA  5-6-08