Journal

so it's been a year. a year since he raped me. the second rape i've experienced. a year since my rape kit. a year since my "friend" refused to go with me to get the rape kit. i'm such a mess. i'm so angry and so numb and so stressed out. i finally cried a ton last night on the phone with a friend. i thought i saw the guy on halloween night, and that made halloween a bad day. i was already on edge, but tried having fun. but saw him and it all just fell apart. why does he still have to live near me? i just want him to go away. i don't want to have to worry about him breaking into my house again. i don't want to have to worry about seeing him at local stores/restaurants/anything. i just want him to leave. if he moved, maybe my house wouldn't be convenient for him to go to. maybe i wouldnt be convenient for him to stalk. i changed my number months ago, so hopefully that didn't provoke him and make him drive by my house as often. i know he was thinking about me this halloween. everyone is reminded of "last year" when a holiday comes up or whatever, so of course he'd think back to last year and remember everything that happened. i don't even want to be on his mind.

this morning i'm in such a bad mood. pms, emotional, not eating even though i'm hungry. i have one friend who is pretty rough when it comes to communication. he swears a lot, and i do too, but i mean he is loud and crude and says things like "you're so gay i wanna punch you in the stomach" even though it's a "joke". so i got off the phone with him. and via text i let him know i didn't want to talk about anything sex-related and no excessive cursing, etc. he said "man you're no fun" so i replied "then don't talk to me?".  i don't want to be at work, i don't want to be anywhere or do anything. i'm stressed out with finances and need a break from life. i'm getting like 40$ less this paycheck than i thought, but i NEED it. ugh.