iammoosh's Journal

i haven't written a journal entry in a while...  i'm just going to copy/paste a bunch of things i've written, because i don't want to write everything out...

SEPTEMBER 16, 2008

i have my first session with pastor steve and barb since being back from tulsa this afternoon at 2pm... i already know i'm going to cry, so i am going to go without make-up... don't want to, but i don't want to look like an ass with mascara running down my face, either... yes, my mascara is SUPPOSED to be water-proof, but that's a joke...

i'm scared to face pastor steve and barb... while i was still in tulsa, during a phone call with my mom, she said she had talked to barb (my parents, them, and my poppy and nonna all met over lunch about a week before i was sent home) ans told her that my voice had more hope in it than she had EVER heard. my mom said that made barb cry. SO, now i have to face her today, with all that hope gone, and tell them all the shit i've been doing since i've been home; cutting almost daily, over-exercising, not eating much, etc.

AND, i purged my dinner. which broke my promise to dr. forman. so i have to e-mail dr. klim about that... i fucking SUCK.

SEPTEMBER 17, 2008

saw pastor steve yesterday at 2pm. like i said last night, barb is still sick, so she wasn't there. i wasn't sure i'd be okay with that, at first, but it didn't bother me...

he asked how i was, and i said i was "fine." so he said, "no, really." cue the crying... he asked me why i got sent home, and i said i broke some rules. he asked which ones i broke. so i explained that i knew, going into the GH program, that i wasn't going to be able to purge or cut. basically, i told him exactly what i wrote a few pages back (the explanation of why i got sent home from tulsa). he said it sounded like i was trying to fly "under the radar." good point, pastor steve...  thankfully, he didn't ask about what i am CURRENTLY doing to hurt myself. i think he just assumed that i'm okay... which is fine by me!

we talked about forgiving myself, and he asked me something... he asked me if i had TRULY forgiven my abusers (matt, or the three guys who have raped me, or my dad, or everyone else). i shook my head no. he explained that, while God has forgiven me for everything i've done in the past, i can't internalize that forgiveness if i am holding other people "in debt" to me for what THEY have done. well, SHIT!

anyway, i cried through the entire session. yay me... that made me feel really stupid. and i kept apologizing to pastor steve, but he said it was okay; that at least i wasn't holding them in. honestly? i'd rather hold them in, thankyouverymuch...

i'm going back next week (wednesday) and HOPEFULLY barb will be there this time. i e-mailed my nonna late last night, because i felt bad for not telling pastor steve that i'm cutting and not taking my psych meds... she asked me to call his cell and let him know, but i'm afraid that he'll call the mobile crisis team on me or something, and i'll end up somewhere i don't want to be... and i can't take that risk...

dr. klim called. we talked about 20 minutes. she's still pushing IP. and i'm still saying no. she said i need to keep doing art stuff, and go down to the lake with my sketch book and stuff, but i don't feel like doing any of that. she thinks i should start reading again, but i can't concentrate enough to do that... she also asked if i had anything planned for the rest of the week, and when i told her i DIDN'T, she said she didn't like the sound of that... there's not a whole hell of a lot i can do without a) a car and b) money. fucking social security messed up the direct deposit for my new bank account, so now i have to wait for a paper check, which i've been waiting for since i got home...

i also called pastor steve's cell (WAAAAY AFTER MY APPOINTMENT WITH HIM) to let him know that i haven't taken any of my psych meds since being home, and that i've been cutting on a nearly daily basis... i feel horribly sick to my stomach that i left him that voice mail... i wish i could un-leave it...

my mom came home before i even got upstairs, so i had to eat dinner. fuckfuckFUCK... now i'm going to have to take the dog and go run at least 10 miles to get rid of all the calories from the FUCKING pizza.  good thing gracie is still young enough to handle all this running i've been doing. it's probably not good that i'm running injured, but i don't care. i'm "tough." i'll deal with the consequences later... when it matters.

SEPTEMBER 18, 2008

i honestly don't care anymore. i cut my left wrist yesterday. not bad, but enough to matter. but i don't care. it didn't scare me, or phase me, or even bother me. and i cut it the "right" way, not left to right, but up and down... i wasn't trying to kill myself, but i was seeing how far i could go, how badly i could get myself to bleed... and FUCK the promise to dr. forman about the purging. i won't go back out and do the random casual sex thing, but i sure as hell am NOT going to not purge anymore. FUCK THAT. i'm going to die one way or another, so i might as well live the way i want to...

i cut today AND binged/purged. dr. forman's not going to be happy, but i don't give a shit. he drew labs last week when i saw him. he said something about checking my kidney and liver functions... dude, i'm not dying. chill out. i'm not even underweight, so why the HELL is everyone so worried about my labs and shit? i hadn't even been purging when he had jo draw the labs last week... i hadn't purged since the beginning of july! i refused to get weighed last week... i've loast nearly two pant sizes since being home from tulsa... i don't know how much weight that is (all the scales in the house have "disappeared," meaning i'm going to have to go out and buy yet ANOTHER scale to hide in my room), but i'm GLAD i'm losing weight. it means i'm actually doing something RIGHT with my shit life. at least i'm succeeding with SOMETHING...

as for the cutting? i'm going to keep wearing jeans to all my appointments. no more shorts, no matter how warm it is... if i wear jeans, no one can see the cuts, and i can refuse to show them. i need to go and buy more guaze, though... i just bought two boxes of the stuff (20 gauze pads, which i cut in half) a few days ago, and i'm almost out...

SEPTEMBER 24, 2008

i don't need anyone to comment on what i'm going to type in this entry. but if you feel the need to do so, go ahead. who am i to stop you? i don't want your judgement. so don't tell me that what i'm doing is "wrong." i already know that.

i'm back on two adult websites, including the one with the account i deleted before i left for tulsa (the one that resulted in two of my three rapes). i just have a new account. FORGET THE PROMISE I MADE TO DR. FORMAN!!!  i've been chatting with a bunch of guys, and have some times set up. i don't care if i get hurt. i'm already hurting, so what's more pain? yes, i swore i'd never do this again. i lied. but i didn't think i'd ever hurt like i was hurting before. this time, the pain is worse than it was before.

this is what i have to do to cope. to keep myself from physically killing myself. no, i'm not suicidal. but if i don't REALLY hurt myself, i'm going to die.  everything i touch turns to shit. i AM shit. nothing is going to change, so why do i even bother????

TODAY

was supposed to have a session with pastor steve and barb today. they canceled and rescheduled for thursday. seeing dr. klim tomorrow at 12:45. my "best friend" laura betrayed my confidence and e-mailed dr. klim a week and a half ago. didn't find out until last night. PISSED at both of them for not saying anything until yesterday...