iammoosh's Journal

i saw dr. klim (my therapist) and dr. forman (my primary care doc) yesterday...

during my session with dr. klim, i barely looked at her, and didnt say much, except for when she asked me a question, or when i REALLY needed to say something...  she said that it was nearly the quietest i'd been since our first session 11 years ago, and asked me if i remembered that session...  i do...  i looked at my hands the entire time and answered in yes/no answers.  yesterday, i said, "i don't know" a lot, to which dr. klim said, "that's not acceptable."   i don't care anymore.  i can't do this.  i can't keep going to therapy/doctor's appointments, and wasting my treatment team's time and energy (and my money).   there are people out there who WANT to get better; who WANT to beat their ED and depression and cutting and other destructive behaviors; who WANT to live a productive life...  do i?  honestly?

NO!!!

because i don't know how to...  all i know how to do is screw up, time and time again, and push the lessons i've supposedly "learned" out of my mind, over and over.  i fall back into the same FUCKING patterns without even giving it a second thought...  yes, i realize i've been doing most of these behaviors for more than half my life, to cover up/hide behind/ignore/repress shit i don't want to deal with...  but that's NOT an excuse!  bad shit happens to other people, and a lot of people don't act this way.  they're normal, functioning members of society.

anyway, i didn't want to go to therapy yesterday.  i didn't feel like talking, and i couldn't look at her.  i was far too ashamed...  i'm supposed to see her again this coming week, but i e-mailed her and asked if we could do a phone session instead, because i don't want to go sit in her office again...

i went directly to dr. forman's from there.

dr. klim had talked to him ahead of time, but since i hadn't told her (before she talked to him) why i was kicked out of glory house, i had to tell him myself...  that was really hard...  i promised dr. forman that i wouldn't a) purge and b) engage in casual sex.  he said both of them a REALLY dangerous and could kill me in an instant.  i understand why that would be the case with the bulimic behavior, but not the casual sex...  whatever.  i promised.  he wanted me to stop the cutting, but i said i couldn't.  he didn't like that answer, but said he'd take two out of three, for the time being...  he said the cutting didn't make sense to him; that he couldn't understand why i would hurt myself to cover up hurt that would only come back after the pain from the cutting wore off (i e-mailed dr. klim and asked her if she'd call him with some books or websites for him to look into).  he asked about my meds, and i told him i wasn't taking any of the psych meds.  he asked if i'd consider starting at least ONE of them, and i said no.  i didn't tell him why, and he didn't ask.  he didn't ask if i got weighed, and i didn't volunteer that info.  basically, since i got home, i've lost a size and a half in my jeans.  i don't know how much weight that is (all the scales at home have "mysteriously" disappeared), but i have to wear a belt with all my jeans and capris, or wear shorts with draw-string waists...  he asked me if there was anything else he needed to know, and i told him i was cutting a lot.  he asked where.  i told him on my legs.  he asked to see.  i said they were all on my upper legs/thigh area (i had jeans on FOR THAT REASON), and he asked if any of them were infected.  i said no.  he didn't push the issue.  he asked if i minded if he had jo (his nurse) draw labs to check my electrolytes, as well as my liver and kidney functions...  i said no.  he left the room, and i started to cry.  then jo came in, saw i was crying, asked if i was okay, and i said...  "i'm fine."  my eyes are brown because i am full of shit...

that was my day yesterday.

today sucked.  went to a buffet.  ended up bingeing.  but i promised i wouldn't purge.  so i cut the hell out of myself instead.  what a fair trade-off... 

i'm going to bed soon, but i'll probably cut first, because there's no way i'll be able to sleep without cutting...