well this is my first entry on …
well this is my first entry on here so I better make it a good one huh? LOL Well today was actually an ok day but I am …
Join Now
iammoosh 
2:09am, December 1, 2008
AUGUST 10, 2008
i'm just going to come out and say it... if you guys think i'm a slut/whore, i really don't care... because i already think that of myself, so whether you think that won't bother me... i'm beating myself up enough as it is...
*T* *G*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
as you all know (if you've been following my journal for the past week), wednesday was the one year anniversary of my third rape... well, i had an appointment with pastor steve and barb that day, and i was having a tough time the entire week before the anniversary; so much so that i called dr. forman (my family doc) in tears EARLY sunday morning. he prescribed me a 5 day supply of Xanax. before i even went to the appointment with pastor steve and barb, i logged onto that adult website and set up two "encounters" for wednesday night while my folks were at church, as well as three guys for thursday during the day... one right after the other... i wasn't raped again, so don't worry about that...
but i e-mailed my nonna and told her all this early friday morning... i feel awful that i didn't say anything to pastor steve and barb (or even my nonna) about what i was planning to do wednesday and thursday... i just needed to hurt myself physically (and the guys thursday were so rough they made me bleed) to get rid of the emotional pain... i asked my nonna to pass the e-mail along to pastor steve and barb, because i couldn't/can't bear to tell them myself... i sent an e-mail to dr. klim and to mary anne at glory house, but didn't mention that i have planned more "encounters" with random guys for this most of next week, during the day while no one's home... i only mentioned wednesday and thursday in their e-mail...
dr. klim asked me, when i saw her for my appointment on friday morning, if i had more sexual encounters set up. i said i did, and she said that i wasn't being safe, that i was putting myself at GREAT RISK, and that i just needed NOT to show up... i didn't say anything regarding that, but i HAVE to go screw around with these guys... i'm hurting SO horribly, on EVERY level, and nothing but the painful, violent sex is making that emotional pain go away... since my normal coping methods have been taken away, i'm doing whatever else i can to hurt myself. and it's working for me, despite how guilty and confused i am about the whole thing. it doesn't make sense that a woman who has been sexually abused as a child and raped three times as an adult would willingly engage in risky sexual behavior with guys she's never met or even talked to on the phone...
stupidstupidstupidstupid...
blah. it's almost 3am, and i'm wide awake... i'm in a lot of... physical pain, but that's my own fault and i'm just gonna suck up and deal... if i werent whoring myself out like a DAMN SLUT, then it would be a different story...
i'm gonna try to tire myself by watching some TV...
------------------------------------------------------------------
AUGUST 12, 2008 (YESTERDAY) @ 2:19PM
hey everyone... thank you all SO MUCH for being so supportive and such... it means a LOT right now...
i deleted my account on the adult website, and decided that this morning was my last "encounter." i had e-mailed mary anne on friday, and she e-mailed me back this morning, AFTER my already set up meeting with a guy from syracuse...
From: Mary Anne Bennett
Sent: Mon 8/11/08 11:48 AM
To: Ali D (squishmush@hotmail.com); Susie Barnes
Ali,
I appreciate your honesty. Here is the thing - we do not have people to watch you 24/7. When someone comes here, they have to be at the point that they are willing to change and do whatever it takes to make it happen.
Let me be really blunt - you cannot keep these behaviors up and make it in our program. I am not saying you cannot come; however, as you are from out of state you need to consider how to get home if our program doesn't work out for you. This is not a threat - it is reality.
I know that God can and wants to heal you and deliver you from this torment. You have to want it too.
I will be praying for you. I want you to think about the fact that you could not talk to the people you say you trust with your life but you put yourself in unbelievable jeopardy by hooking up with people you shouldn't trust with anything. Once you have thought about this, get back to me.
Praying for you,
Mary Anne
a copy of the e-mail that mary anne sent me was ALSO sent to susie (susie barnes is glory house's EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR...), which is freaking me out a LOT... i know mary anne said that my entry into the program wasn't in danger, but i'm worried that the staff have already decided not to take me becuse i messed up... i just can't stand the emotional pain/torment i'm going through right now, and hurting myself is the only way that gets rid of that... i realize that when i go to glory house (if they aren't going to get rid of me) that i'm going to have to figure out new ways (healthy ways) of coping... one difference between mercy ministries and glory house is the contact between staff and the girls there... at mercy, we didn't have a lot of staff interaction, and they didn't give us hugs, etc. mary anne said that the staff at glory house is VERY loving with the girls, and that they are rarely in their offices, unless they have something to do/are counseling someone...
i'm gonna go take a nap... i slept like shit last night, and was up early. and i still haven't gone to the post office...
i deleted my account on the adult website, and decided that this morning was my last "encounter." i had e-mailed mary anne on friday, and she e-mailed me back this morning, AFTER my already set up meeting with a guy from syracuse...
From: Mary Anne Bennett
Sent: Mon 8/11/08 11:48 AM
To: Ali D (squishmush@hotmail.com); Susie Barnes
Ali,
I appreciate your honesty. Here is the thing - we do not have people to watch you 24/7. When someone comes here, they have to be at the point that they are willing to change and do whatever it takes to make it happen.
Let me be really blunt - you cannot keep these behaviors up and make it in our program. I am not saying you cannot come; however, as you are from out of state you need to consider how to get home if our program doesn't work out for you. This is not a threat - it is reality.
I know that God can and wants to heal you and deliver you from this torment. You have to want it too.
I will be praying for you. I want you to think about the fact that you could not talk to the people you say you trust with your life but you put yourself in unbelievable jeopardy by hooking up with people you shouldn't trust with anything. Once you have thought about this, get back to me.
Praying for you,
Mary Anne
a copy of the e-mail that mary anne sent me was ALSO sent to susie (susie barnes is glory house's EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR...), which is freaking me out a LOT... i know mary anne said that my entry into the program wasn't in danger, but i'm worried that the staff have already decided not to take me becuse i messed up... i just can't stand the emotional pain/torment i'm going through right now, and hurting myself is the only way that gets rid of that... i realize that when i go to glory house (if they aren't going to get rid of me) that i'm going to have to figure out new ways (healthy ways) of coping... one difference between mercy ministries and glory house is the contact between staff and the girls there... at mercy, we didn't have a lot of staff interaction, and they didn't give us hugs, etc. mary anne said that the staff at glory house is VERY loving with the girls, and that they are rarely in their offices, unless they have something to do/are counseling someone...
i'm gonna go take a nap... i slept like shit last night, and was up early. and i still haven't gone to the post office...
YESTERDAY @ 6:25PM
*T* *G*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
i'm not complaining here, but i am REALLY hurting physically... the guy today was REALLY rough and made me bleed. i wanted it to hurt, yes, but not as bad as it did... i'm using a tampon right now, even though i'm not having my period, because it's bleeding that much... i know you're not supposed to do that when you don't have your period, but i couldn't think of anything else.
i got an e-mail from dr. klim, regarding the e-mail i forwarded her from mary anne...
From: Dr Klim
Sent: Mon 8/11/08 2:30 PM
To: Ali Davis (squishmush@hotmail.com)
Alison: i got your emails, including the one from Glory House. I think this last week before you go, it is time to really get ready, in terms of doing things that will fit in the program and not doing those that won't. I feel that you need to be avoiding those things that can trigger you worse. Look for positive and inspiration and enjoy the pieces of home that you will miss while you are gone. See you friday.
Dr Klim
fair enough...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
i'm not complaining here, but i am REALLY hurting physically... the guy today was REALLY rough and made me bleed. i wanted it to hurt, yes, but not as bad as it did... i'm using a tampon right now, even though i'm not having my period, because it's bleeding that much... i know you're not supposed to do that when you don't have your period, but i couldn't think of anything else.
i got an e-mail from dr. klim, regarding the e-mail i forwarded her from mary anne...
From: Dr Klim
Sent: Mon 8/11/08 2:30 PM
To: Ali Davis (squishmush@hotmail.com)
Alison: i got your emails, including the one from Glory House. I think this last week before you go, it is time to really get ready, in terms of doing things that will fit in the program and not doing those that won't. I feel that you need to be avoiding those things that can trigger you worse. Look for positive and inspiration and enjoy the pieces of home that you will miss while you are gone. See you friday.
Dr Klim
fair enough...
YESTERDAY @ 10:22PM
i took the tampon out about an hour ago... not bleeding anymore, but still in a lot of pain... i have no idea what he did to me to make me bleed like that. i mean, i know what he was doing (obviously), but.. yeah. anyway, i've canceled the rest of my encounters, and while i don't feel good about that, i know it's something i had to do... i know ALL about cross-addiction, infortunately... not only from an educational prespective, but also because of my own personal experience. when i was in rehab for my alcoholism in 2000, i had been doing well witht he bulimia. but once the alohol wasn't an option, my ED got bad and i looked everywhere in the rehab unit for stuff to cut myself with... and whenever i am doing well with my ED, the cutting gets bad, and when i'm not cutting, the ED rears its ugly head... i have ammended my contract, and let mary anne know that i added "no casual sex/random encoutners with men" to my contract... as far as dr. klim goes, i can't see her before friday, but i have my last session with pastor steve and barb on wednesday. they know about what's going on, so i'm sure that will be discussed and i'll be given support/scripture to read regarding what i'm doing...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
AUGUST 13, 2008 (TODAY) at 12:23AM
it's hard to believe that tomorrow will mark one week before i leave for glory house... i'm SO incredibly scared, and on top of that, i'm ashamed/embarrassed and feel guilty. i have not withheld anything from mary anne, regarding my past, my current actions, or ANYTHING. everything i've done/am doing has been "reported" to them. i asked dr. klim to tell mary anne about the events of the last few weeks, in terms of the casual sex, but she told me that it was up to ME to tell her... i was upset with her when she first told me that, but i realize dr. klim said that because mary anne and the rest of the staff are the ones who need to hear it from ME, so they know where i'm coming from; not to mention they're going to be caring for me over the next 6 months to a year... so i need to trust them, as hard as it's going to be/has been...
my LAST therapy appointment with dr. klim is friday morning... this is making me REALLY sad... i know she'll be kept up to date on my progress and everything, but it's going to be hard not to see her for up to a year... i've been seeing her for almost 11 years... it's quite the bond... yes, it's a love/hate relationship, but what therapy relationship ISN'T? dr. klim knows EVERYTHING about me; my likes, dislikes, my family (we've had family therapy), my past, EVERYTHING. and now i'll have to start all over with a new group of people that i don't know; and that scares the SHIT out of me. i don't trust people very easily, especially treatment related people because i've been so hurt by inpatient/residential therapists and social workers in the past... there are SO many things about the next leg of my journey that i'm terrified of... meeting new staff, being so far away from my family/home/LB/my friends, making new friends (what if none of the girls like me?), gaining weight, getting better, not having ANY of my usual coping skills to rely on/get me through, etc.
i still need to write a letter to my nonna and poppy, pastor steve and barb, and dr. klim. i already gave dr. alger her last week, and mailed dr. forman's to him last week. i'm writing thank you letters, of sorts... like how much their support/help has meant to me, etc. all that emotional kind of stuff...
my LAST therapy appointment with dr. klim is friday morning... this is making me REALLY sad... i know she'll be kept up to date on my progress and everything, but it's going to be hard not to see her for up to a year... i've been seeing her for almost 11 years... it's quite the bond... yes, it's a love/hate relationship, but what therapy relationship ISN'T? dr. klim knows EVERYTHING about me; my likes, dislikes, my family (we've had family therapy), my past, EVERYTHING. and now i'll have to start all over with a new group of people that i don't know; and that scares the SHIT out of me. i don't trust people very easily, especially treatment related people because i've been so hurt by inpatient/residential therapists and social workers in the past... there are SO many things about the next leg of my journey that i'm terrified of... meeting new staff, being so far away from my family/home/LB/my friends, making new friends (what if none of the girls like me?), gaining weight, getting better, not having ANY of my usual coping skills to rely on/get me through, etc.
i still need to write a letter to my nonna and poppy, pastor steve and barb, and dr. klim. i already gave dr. alger her last week, and mailed dr. forman's to him last week. i'm writing thank you letters, of sorts... like how much their support/help has meant to me, etc. all that emotional kind of stuff...
TODAY @ 12:23PM
nothing to do today, other than finish writing some snail mail and taking a nap... maybe doing some laundry. been sleeping like shit, STILL... not in as much pain (physically) as i was yesterday, but the emotional pain is still going strong. didn't eat breakfast, had some "pirate booty" and water for lunch, and i don't plan on eating dinner because my parents aren't supposed to be home... if they ARE home, however, i'll have to either eat dinner, or pretend that i'm asleep.
it's a gorgeous day, but i don't feel like going down to the water and sitting on the dock... i don't want to do anything i enjoy today, because i don't feel i deserve it. no music today, and no lake.
i just want to go back to bed and sleep away the next week... just wake up in time to get on the plane for glory house... then i won't be tempted to do anything that will hurt me physically OR emotionally...
i have a session with pastor steve and barb tomorrow afternoon (3pm) and my last appointment with dr. klim on friday morning (9:45am). i don't want to go to either one because i'm going to have to face my actions of the last week and a half, and i'm ashamed, embarrassed, and mortified that i'm going to have to talk about the casual sex... not so much with dr. klim, but with pastor steve and barb; mainly because pastor steve is a guy (and i feel he will think i'm a slut/whore) and because barb was sexually abused as a child (and i don't want to trigger her at all). yes, i realize that they're both experienced in trauma counseling, and that trauma involves talking about sexual abuse, etc., but i just don't want to go there. BUT, i know if i don't, it's going to eat away at me for the next week, and i don't want THAT, either... catch 22?
sorry for babbling... i'll go away and shut up now...
it's a gorgeous day, but i don't feel like going down to the water and sitting on the dock... i don't want to do anything i enjoy today, because i don't feel i deserve it. no music today, and no lake.
i just want to go back to bed and sleep away the next week... just wake up in time to get on the plane for glory house... then i won't be tempted to do anything that will hurt me physically OR emotionally...
i have a session with pastor steve and barb tomorrow afternoon (3pm) and my last appointment with dr. klim on friday morning (9:45am). i don't want to go to either one because i'm going to have to face my actions of the last week and a half, and i'm ashamed, embarrassed, and mortified that i'm going to have to talk about the casual sex... not so much with dr. klim, but with pastor steve and barb; mainly because pastor steve is a guy (and i feel he will think i'm a slut/whore) and because barb was sexually abused as a child (and i don't want to trigger her at all). yes, i realize that they're both experienced in trauma counseling, and that trauma involves talking about sexual abuse, etc., but i just don't want to go there. BUT, i know if i don't, it's going to eat away at me for the next week, and i don't want THAT, either... catch 22?
sorry for babbling... i'll go away and shut up now...
------------------------------------------------------
MY TREATMENT ADDRESS, IF ANYONE WANTS TO WRITE. I LEAVE ALBANY ON TUESDAY, AUGUST 19TH:
Ali Davis
C/O Glory House
PO Box 50754
Tulsa, OK 74150
Comments
You might also like ...
hey guys today has been somewhat …
hey guys today has been somewhat good and somewhat bad. I have gained about 12 lbs and I am not happy at all with it. …
today i decided to join an online …
today i decided to join an online support community. im not 100% sure it is for me, but what the hell, might as well …
WOW!!! I am speechless, Ali. I don't/won't EVER think that of you.You should know that. I love you VERY much and just want you to be truly free and healed. I'm so proud of you for taking this crucial step! I'll be writing you often.
ICanOvercome
First of all I WILL NEVER THINK THAT OF YOU!!!!! Take it one day at a time. I wish all the best for you and I will write to you often. I even got new stationary for writing to you.
You are a victim that just wants to heal. You deserve happiness and support. We are here for you!
HurtinginSC
thanks, girls... you guys are awesome, and too good to me... I LOVE YOU BOTH!!! and thanks for the support... *HUGS*
iammoosh