iammoosh's Journal

"I AM BRAVE."

GLORY HOUSE COUNTDOWN: 20 1/2 DAYS

the appointment with dr. forman (my family doc) was REALLY difficult. i found out i've lost more weight (his nurse wouldn't tell me how much more...), that the last set of labs he did were fine, and that my vitals were "okay." he asked me, after looking at my weight on his laptop, if i was still purging. i said no, that i had signed a contract stating i couldn't purge/cut, and that i hadn't purged since july 1st, and that it has been almost a year since my last cutting episode. he was pleased about the contract, but guessed (correctly, at that) that i was restricting my intake... he asked why i was doing that, and i was 100% honest and told him that i was afraid that if i started eating "normally" again, i'd end up binging, and since i can't purge, i'd end up cutting. BOTH of which i can't do right now, if i want to keep my august 19th entry date for glory house... he said it made sense, but that he was worried anyway. so he ordered more labs...

then came the hard part... talking about the letter i faxed him about the sexual abuse that happened when i was a kid... i faxed that letter last month.  he started off by saying how brave i was and how well i'm going to do at glory house if i'm as honest with them as i am with him. he said i've probably heard this a thousand times, but the sexual abuse was NOT my fault, and that matt was a horrible man and that i did nothing wrong. i still don't entirely believe this... he said kids are defenseless, and it's up to the adults in our lives to protect us. he said that kids naturally trust adults (until they're hurt), so the fact that i trusted matt was not unusual... he asked if dr. klim (my therapist) and dr. alger (my ED specialist) knew, and i said they did, and i told him i faxed him the letter because i didn't think it was fair to leave him "out of the loop," not to mention the fact that, as my family doctor, he really should know about the abuse... especially since it's going to affect me when i get a pap smear upon my return from glory house... i'd get one before, but i'm too scared to, not to mention i don't want to have a flashback in his office. besides that, i haven't gotten a pap smear in about 7 years, so i'm going to get some heat for that, considering my family history of female reproductive cancer... yes, dr. forman makes me feel completely safe, but i don't think i could handle that just yet. after getting out of glory house, i think i have a better chance at being able to handle it... i don't have another appointment set up before i go, but dr. forman said that if i need ANYTHING between now and august 19th, i can call him... and it doesn't matter what it is; whether i need to talk, or vent, or ANYTHING... AND, he said that when i get home from glory house, if i slip up or end up going through a rough spot, he wants to know. because he wants to be able to help me up from a slip before it turns into a full-blown fall. that, of course, made me cry once i got out to the car... he's really sweet, and i've been SO lucky to end up with amazing doctors over the past 10 years. the family doc i had before this knew everything about my ED and cutting (never told him about the sexual abuse...), and he supported me 100%. dr. forman is even MORE supportive, though... i feel more comfortable with him than i did with dr. mitnick (my former family doc); thus the reason for the letter... i felt okay "letting him in."

only two more sessions with dr. klim (august 8th and august 15th) and one more with dr. alger (august 7th), and then i get on the plane...  dr. forman asked me if i was excited about going, and i told him i was more scared than excited now... especially lately... i still have SO MUCH to do... and not nearly enough time...