iammoosh's Journal

i'm supposed to be doing this EVERYDAY!  i've been slacking the past few days, and i honestly DON'T have a good excuse...  

*I AM A BEATIFUL WOMAN AND OF VALUE*

i didn't have such a good day today...  i had a ROUGH therapy session, and i only have THREE more before i head off to tulsa for residential treatment...my appointment was... different? dr. klim asked me how i was when i sat on the couch, and asked me what emotions i was feeling in the past week... i told her i had been kind of numb; not feeling much of anything... she asked me about my intake. i told her it was the same old shit, different day. BUT, she didn't weigh me, THANK GOD! which is good, because my mom commented on more weight loss when i got home and was standing on the deck talking to her...  we didn't talk about ANY trauma today, much to my relief. dr. klim actually asked me what i wanted to talk about, and when i said, "i don't know," she said that we should talk about my upcoming entry to glory house. she asked if i was having second thoughts. i lied and said, "no." i don't have second thoughts ALL the time, just sometimes. like when i want to cut or purge... THEN, she asked me the "loaded" question...

"WHY ARE YOU AFRAID TO GET BETTER?"

i looked down at my hands and started playing with the rubber band on my right wrist. i couldn't look dr. klim in her eyes. my eyes started welling up with tears, my vision got all blurry, and i kept swallowing, forcing myself not to cry. she asked again. "why?" i couldn't answer her. so we sat there in silence for a good 5 minutes. she spoke first and said, "i don't understand, ali. you know you have blocks that are keeping you from getting better, and you're going to glory house to focus on those blocks and the reasons FOR those blocks. what are they? why can't you talk about them? why can't you voice them?" then the tears came... i started crying and apologizing for crying and nothing i said made sense. i was going on about being scared that i would have to be perfect, and that i'd have to stop seeing her and dr. alger, and that i'd lose all my supports, and that i'd lose friends, and that i'd be expected not to struggle, and that i'd have to eat like a normal person, and eat food i was afraid of... i started crying harder, and she that God made humans IMperfect and that NO ONE expected me to be perfect, not even when i was better. she told me that i needed to think in shades of gray, not my usual black-and-white thinking... that i need to be a LOT less harsh with myself... that i need to give myself a break... i eventually stopped sobbing, but the tears fell quietly throughout the rest of the session...  and i still kept apologizing, and dr. klim said she'd rahter have me get that emotion out, rather than keep it bottled until i explode and do something i regret, such as cut myself, purge, drink, etc...