well this is my first entry on …
well this is my first entry on here so I better make it a good one huh? LOL Well today was actually an ok day but I am …
Join Now
iammoosh 
2:09am, December 1, 2008
i decided that i need to talk about what happened to me as a little girl, so here it is... it's kinda graphic, so my apologies ahead of time... this is so embarrassing, but i think it might help me a little to have someone else who knows about it. my mom and dad and sisters know about it, but we don't really talk about it. i mentioned the abuse to my therapist in passing during a session, but we didn't get much farther than that...
i was sexually abused for two years (ages 5-7) by a really close family friend who worked for my dad's plumbing company. his name was matt. my dad used to send him on errands for parts and he always took me with him. he'd fondle me in the car. hands down my pants. fingers into my tiny vagina. hurting me. but i never cried. he told me that, if i did cry or tell anyone what he had done, he'd hurt my sisters. i've always been protective of my sisters, so i didn't want them to be hurt, too. so i kept quiet.
he used to drive to a wooded area one the way back from getting the parts for my dad. he would take his pants off and force me to kiss his penis. when he wasn't getting enough pleasure from that, he started forcing his penis in my mouth. i bit him once, but he slapped me so hard i hit my head on the steering wheel. he was so much stronger than i was, and he used that strength to hurt me. i didn't fight back. i felt that i deserved it. that i was a horrible, rotten little girl, and this was my punishment.
the penetration started when he brought me to his house on a lunch break. my parents thought nothing of it. he was their friend. he had a barn on his property. he brought me to the barn and laid me down on hay bales. he took my clothes off and forced himself into my tiny body. i screamed in my head, but never out loud. there was blood everywhere the first time, the second time, every time. this went on for two long, painful, frightening years. it stopped when my dad fired him for stealing money.
fast forward to 1999. matt was in a really bad motorcycle accident. he crashed into the back of a truck. he was drunk. he was put into intensive care at albany med. my parents wanted to know if i wanted to go see him. i didn't. but i went anyway. he never regained consciousness. he didn't make it. he died within the week of complications from surgery to repair severe internal bleeding.
i didn't go to the wake or the funeral. my mom asked me why and i told her i was too upset. i left it at that and she didn't push the issue.
i never got closure. i never got to face my abuser. there's a huge hole in my life right now, and i'm continuing to hurt myself on a daily basis because of what HE did to me. i've tried writing letters to him and burning them/ripping them up. it didn't help. the only thing that helps is hurting myself. cutting. binging and purging, etc. there's too much rage. too much pain. and there are awful nightmares reliving the abuse on almost a nightly basis...
i didn't tell anyone until 2004, when i went for treatment at mercy ministries. my mom said it explained all the behaviors i exhibited as a kid. behaviors that others told her was a reaction to being abused in some way. abuse she denied because we didn't know "people like that." abuse she didn't know existed because i was too afraid to say anything. even after he was dead and gone...
i was sexually abused for two years (ages 5-7) by a really close family friend who worked for my dad's plumbing company. his name was matt. my dad used to send him on errands for parts and he always took me with him. he'd fondle me in the car. hands down my pants. fingers into my tiny vagina. hurting me. but i never cried. he told me that, if i did cry or tell anyone what he had done, he'd hurt my sisters. i've always been protective of my sisters, so i didn't want them to be hurt, too. so i kept quiet.
he used to drive to a wooded area one the way back from getting the parts for my dad. he would take his pants off and force me to kiss his penis. when he wasn't getting enough pleasure from that, he started forcing his penis in my mouth. i bit him once, but he slapped me so hard i hit my head on the steering wheel. he was so much stronger than i was, and he used that strength to hurt me. i didn't fight back. i felt that i deserved it. that i was a horrible, rotten little girl, and this was my punishment.
the penetration started when he brought me to his house on a lunch break. my parents thought nothing of it. he was their friend. he had a barn on his property. he brought me to the barn and laid me down on hay bales. he took my clothes off and forced himself into my tiny body. i screamed in my head, but never out loud. there was blood everywhere the first time, the second time, every time. this went on for two long, painful, frightening years. it stopped when my dad fired him for stealing money.
fast forward to 1999. matt was in a really bad motorcycle accident. he crashed into the back of a truck. he was drunk. he was put into intensive care at albany med. my parents wanted to know if i wanted to go see him. i didn't. but i went anyway. he never regained consciousness. he didn't make it. he died within the week of complications from surgery to repair severe internal bleeding.
i didn't go to the wake or the funeral. my mom asked me why and i told her i was too upset. i left it at that and she didn't push the issue.
i never got closure. i never got to face my abuser. there's a huge hole in my life right now, and i'm continuing to hurt myself on a daily basis because of what HE did to me. i've tried writing letters to him and burning them/ripping them up. it didn't help. the only thing that helps is hurting myself. cutting. binging and purging, etc. there's too much rage. too much pain. and there are awful nightmares reliving the abuse on almost a nightly basis...
i didn't tell anyone until 2004, when i went for treatment at mercy ministries. my mom said it explained all the behaviors i exhibited as a kid. behaviors that others told her was a reaction to being abused in some way. abuse she denied because we didn't know "people like that." abuse she didn't know existed because i was too afraid to say anything. even after he was dead and gone...
Comments
You might also like ...
hey guys today has been somewhat …
hey guys today has been somewhat good and somewhat bad. I have gained about 12 lbs and I am not happy at all with it. …
today i decided to join an online …
today i decided to join an online support community. im not 100% sure it is for me, but what the hell, might as well …
I know what your going through, i went thru something very similar at around the same age. I told my mom and she told me that he was old, and to stay away from him. Well he scared me, and he would always call me into the den were he sat all day. He was my great grandfather. I still have memories, and can actually still feel everything in my mind. It hurt me later on in life, when i was a teenager for i felt that sex was something i was suppose to do. I never got closure with him either, but i learned what would he have said? Im sorry if that, and it wouldnt mean anything. It was not your fault, it was your parents responsibility to keep you safe and away from that kind of situation. depression is pain toward inward, and i think you are rightly fully so, the confrontation may not be with matt, but with your parents for making you so vulnerable. It was not your fault, you were not a dirty little girl but just a baby who had no business being around something like that. You cant change it, you just have to accept it, and be able to talk about it, for you may be the one person to help someone else. There might be another little girl in the same situation and you being her voice may make the difference. Turn this ugliness into something positive, seek out domestic abuse shelters, or youths . there is a program that works with the court for children and you become a court advocate for the child, i cant remember what the court program is Casa something. google it.... maybe you can contact your local courts. turn it around girl. you can do it. stop cutting, all that self-destruction is not necessary. i am here if you want to chat.
traci
tracip
Casa stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate/Guardian ad Litem. they have them in all cities. let me know what you decide.....,
tracip