well this is my first entry on …
well this is my first entry on here so I better make it a good one huh? LOL Well today was actually an ok day but I am …
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iammoosh 
2:09am, December 1, 2008
THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG-WINDED...
my appointment didn't go so well... it was a mess... the only thing keeping me from being hospitalized is the fact that my insurance won't cover it...
i got to dr. alger's office at 1:45pm. i was put in the exam room at 2pm. dr. alger didn't come into the exam room until almost 3:30pm. she had to leave the office for an emergency with another one of her ED patients at the hospital, but her receptionist forgot to tell me.
she came in, took one look at me, and told me i looked like hell. so i was like, "thanks." i refused to get weighed, and she didn't push it this time, despite her comment on my noticeable weight loss... but on my way out, i got on the scale myself and, with my clothes on, i weighed 116.8... my scale at home is WAY off... my scale at home says i weigh about 119...
about a week and a half ago, i had sent her an e-mail about being accepted into glory house's program, and from that e-mail, she took it that i was doing well and really excited. that was the case at the time... she asked me what happened to make me go from that to being suicidal and self-destructive. so i told her about jeni's suicide. which made me cry so hard i could barely breathe. dr. alger put me on oxygen for about 15 minutes, until i calmed down a little... she asked me about the purging and cutting. i told her that i'm purging 30+ times a day (and using ipecac) and that i've managed not to cut.
because of the ipecac, i already knew that i had to get an EKG, but i really fought dr. alger about it. so much so that when she left the room so i could change into a gown, i started bawling again. her nurse came in to do the EKG and that made me stop crying. i didn't want her to see me crying. dr. alger looked at the EKG and compared it to my last one. this one was MUCH worse. something about my prolonged QT waves and something else. she's going to have my cardiologist look at it to see what he thinks. i also told her that i had stopped taking my meds. she asked me why, and i said, "because i don't care anymore." she got this awful look on her face. like SHE was going to cry... so that made ME cry again. she asked me about passing out (it happened yesterday and monday and a few times last week...) and being dizzy and palpitations, chest pain, etc. i said yes to all of it. then i got my promised potassium IV drip...
i had to sign a contract with dr. alger about the ipecac. i have to stop using it, and report to dr. klim how i'm doing when i see her on tuesday morning. if i'm still using it, dr. klim is going to call dr. alger and they will have me admitted to cornell's ED program in white plains, NY. they have a payment plan for people without insurance/whose insurance won't pay... so if i can't stop it, there's no way in HELL that i'm going to tell dr. klim. i've been to cornell twice, and it was hell both times. i'd rather die than be there... i'm not fucking kidding.
at the end of the appointment, dr. alger had me sit on the table and listened to my heart and lungs. she said my heart rate was low (48), which was MUCH lower than my last appointment's heart rate of 88. then she gave me a hug and told me that i don't have to suffer anymore. that i can beat this ED. the only thing going through my head was, "sure, i can stop the suffering by offing myself."
i'm not looking forward to the appointment with dr. klim on tuesday... i haven't seen her since january... she knows about jeni, though, so that might make it a little easier on me... i won't have to tell her, which i had such a hard time doing to day with dr. alger.
i got an e-mail from mary anne at glory house this afternoon. i'm on their waiting list. she asked me how i was doing, how the ED/cutting are, if i'm medically stable, etc. i told her i wasn't sure if i was medically stable because of the EKG and pending lab results. i told her i'd e-mail her once i found out anything... i didn't tell her about being suicidal, though... i'm sure dr. klim will take care of that next week... a HUGE part of me wants to tell mary anne to take my name off the waiting list. that i don't want to do the program. that there are more deserving people. people who REALLY need help...
sorry this is jumping all over the place. i'm not sleeping well, my brain is screwy, and my mental state is not exactly the best at the moment...
my appointment didn't go so well... it was a mess... the only thing keeping me from being hospitalized is the fact that my insurance won't cover it...
i got to dr. alger's office at 1:45pm. i was put in the exam room at 2pm. dr. alger didn't come into the exam room until almost 3:30pm. she had to leave the office for an emergency with another one of her ED patients at the hospital, but her receptionist forgot to tell me.
she came in, took one look at me, and told me i looked like hell. so i was like, "thanks." i refused to get weighed, and she didn't push it this time, despite her comment on my noticeable weight loss... but on my way out, i got on the scale myself and, with my clothes on, i weighed 116.8... my scale at home is WAY off... my scale at home says i weigh about 119...
about a week and a half ago, i had sent her an e-mail about being accepted into glory house's program, and from that e-mail, she took it that i was doing well and really excited. that was the case at the time... she asked me what happened to make me go from that to being suicidal and self-destructive. so i told her about jeni's suicide. which made me cry so hard i could barely breathe. dr. alger put me on oxygen for about 15 minutes, until i calmed down a little... she asked me about the purging and cutting. i told her that i'm purging 30+ times a day (and using ipecac) and that i've managed not to cut.
because of the ipecac, i already knew that i had to get an EKG, but i really fought dr. alger about it. so much so that when she left the room so i could change into a gown, i started bawling again. her nurse came in to do the EKG and that made me stop crying. i didn't want her to see me crying. dr. alger looked at the EKG and compared it to my last one. this one was MUCH worse. something about my prolonged QT waves and something else. she's going to have my cardiologist look at it to see what he thinks. i also told her that i had stopped taking my meds. she asked me why, and i said, "because i don't care anymore." she got this awful look on her face. like SHE was going to cry... so that made ME cry again. she asked me about passing out (it happened yesterday and monday and a few times last week...) and being dizzy and palpitations, chest pain, etc. i said yes to all of it. then i got my promised potassium IV drip...
i had to sign a contract with dr. alger about the ipecac. i have to stop using it, and report to dr. klim how i'm doing when i see her on tuesday morning. if i'm still using it, dr. klim is going to call dr. alger and they will have me admitted to cornell's ED program in white plains, NY. they have a payment plan for people without insurance/whose insurance won't pay... so if i can't stop it, there's no way in HELL that i'm going to tell dr. klim. i've been to cornell twice, and it was hell both times. i'd rather die than be there... i'm not fucking kidding.
at the end of the appointment, dr. alger had me sit on the table and listened to my heart and lungs. she said my heart rate was low (48), which was MUCH lower than my last appointment's heart rate of 88. then she gave me a hug and told me that i don't have to suffer anymore. that i can beat this ED. the only thing going through my head was, "sure, i can stop the suffering by offing myself."
i'm not looking forward to the appointment with dr. klim on tuesday... i haven't seen her since january... she knows about jeni, though, so that might make it a little easier on me... i won't have to tell her, which i had such a hard time doing to day with dr. alger.
i got an e-mail from mary anne at glory house this afternoon. i'm on their waiting list. she asked me how i was doing, how the ED/cutting are, if i'm medically stable, etc. i told her i wasn't sure if i was medically stable because of the EKG and pending lab results. i told her i'd e-mail her once i found out anything... i didn't tell her about being suicidal, though... i'm sure dr. klim will take care of that next week... a HUGE part of me wants to tell mary anne to take my name off the waiting list. that i don't want to do the program. that there are more deserving people. people who REALLY need help...
sorry this is jumping all over the place. i'm not sleeping well, my brain is screwy, and my mental state is not exactly the best at the moment...
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Dear girl,
Oh friend. I'm sorry you are experiencing so much pain. My heart breaks for you. Know how much people do care. Please show us you care by working to get better.
I know I can't make it through my struggles without seeing that God has a plan for my life and gives hope. I will be praying for you.
Dear, always hold onto hope. Please write me back and let me know what something you can be hopeful about would be.
May you see hope. Reaching hope doesn't come without a struggle, but I tell myself it is worth the battle.
Hold o
Fight for it
You can
allthingspossible
allthingspossible