iammoosh's Journal

i've been having an awful time the last week or so.  been really suicidal and stuff.  found out that my friend jeni committed suicide.  that has been hard to deal with, and has brought up memories of two other friends who have died because of their mental illness...  i've been hoarding all my meds and have been using ipecac, which i have previously signed a contract not to use.  ever.

 TODAY: 12:33PM

-dr. alger (my eating disorder specialist) e-mailed me a few hours ago and told me that using ipecac is grounds for IMMEDIATE hospitalization and that if i can't "keep myself safe," i can not remain on outpatient status.
-i e-mailed her back and told her that my insurance won't cover an IP admission, that i've already looked into it and fought them on it, and that i'll "try my best to stop it (the ipecac) on my own". major lie. i have no intentions of stopping it...
-her office also called when i was at the post office, so i have to wait until after 1pm to call back.
-i'm sure it's about an appointment.
-i'm fucking FURIOUS that i woke up this morning. especially since i took a whole damn bottle of ipecac last night...
-not only have i been hoarding my psych meds, i've been hoarding my medical meds, too. so i haven't been taking my cardiac meds, my migraine meds, my allergy meds, my acid reflux meds, etc.
-still haven't heard from mary anne of leslie (my program contacts), so i have no idea what the hell is going on with that. at this point, i don't really give a shit. i hope i die before i get there...

-called dr. alger's office back
-i have an appointment tomorrow afternoon (1:50pm)
-mom's letting me use her car so i can go
-dr. alger's receptionist already told me i'm going to be getting a potassium IV, EKG and labs done

TODAY: 11:33PM 

i really DON'T want to go see dr. alger tomorrow... but she's worried enough about me to come in on her day off, just to see me (something her receptionist made the point of telling me), so i guess i really need to go. my mom knows something is up now because i haven't seen dr. alger since february. in my mom's mind, that meant that things were going well. WRONG! i still haven't told her that i'm seeing dr. klim (my therapist) next week... she's going to freak. my mom knows that i'm looking into programs for my ED, etc., but she's not aware of a) the amount of binging/purging i'm doing every day, b) the ipecac use, c) the weight loss and d) the suicidality/med hoarding/not taking any meds thing...

i still feel like shit, mentally/emotionally. i e-mailed both leslie and mary anne this afternoon, but haven't heard anything back today. this is really pissing me off. how hard is it to answer a fucking e-mail/return a fucking phone call? and people wonder why i don't want to live anymore. if people who are supposed to care don't give a shit, then why should i? the only thing i know about my admission to glory house is that i've been accepted. don't know if i'm on a waiting list, don't know the program do's/don't, etc.

i won't be on before my appointment with dr. alger, so i'll update when i get back from my appointment. i'm not going to end up in the hospital, since my insurance won't cover it, so that's one less worry...

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i'm just having a really hard time.  i feel so alone.