iammoosh's Journal

i am at the end of my rope...  i am out of control with my bulimia.  i spent all day today bingeing and purging.  i went to five different grocery stores for food to binge on.  i spent close to $300 on food today alone, only to flush it down the toilet.  no one was home today. my dad is a pastor, and he and my mom had a work day at their church today, so they were gone all day.  my sister karrie spent the day with gavin (her son) and gavin's dad, so she wasn't home.  i was all alone.  under normal circumstances, i'd be fine.  but i am SO stressed out right now.  i'm not sleeping well because my two insurance companies are fighting over who's going to cover my sleeping medication (rozerem), so i've been without a sleeping pill for close to three weeks now.  i'm averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night.  so i'm worn out.  then add depression to that.  and nightmares.  and add the stress of trying to find a free residential treatment center.  i've sent applications in to five programs.  i've only heard back from ONE of them.  they're supposed to call me tomorrow or tuesday to go over my application and let me know if they're going to take me.

i can't keep doing this...  i'm so close to cutting again.  i don't want to fall back into that, because i know i'll do some serious harm to myself this time.  and i've been engaging in sex with random guys i've met online.  i haven't told this to anyone.  not even my sisters, and i tell them EVERYTHING.  i know i'm hurting myself, but i don't care.  i'm in so much pain right now, and this is the only way i can get rid of it.  i'm being careful (using condoms, etc), but i know i'm putting myself at risk of getting raped again.  i'm self-destructing.  fast.

i want to get into a treatment program.  i really do.  but i don't think i'm going to last long enough to make it there...