Journal

i'm still alive.  now ask me if i want to be...   i'm still restricting, still losing weight.  and i'm cutting again.  been doing that for about a week and a half now, after having been cut-free since the beginning of october...  i have kind of fallen apart, i guess.  i have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow (and i'll have to get weighed), so he'll want to see all the cuts and he's already going to be upset about the weight loss.  so between my weight being down and all the cuts on my thighs, i'm going to get hell tomorrow morning.  i also have a counseling appointment with barb and naomi tomorrow afternoon.  it's going to be a difficult one.  i talked to barb twice today.  i called her earlier in the afternoon to let her know i was having a rough time, and she asked me not to cut today.  then i called her this evening, in tears, because i had eaten dinner and cut myself because i had eaten dinner.  dinner was the only thing i had eaten today, and it was a can of soup, which was only 280 total calories.  plus i had two bottle of water with gatorade mix (100 total calories).  so my total intake for today was less than 400 calories, and i ended up making 8 cuts on my left thigh and 2 on my right thigh over 380 calories.  i'm pathetic.  i promised barb i'd hand over all my razor blades at tomorrow's session, and i will.  i won't cut anymore tonight.

things SUCK right now.  i can't keep doing this.  i'm dizzy as hell all the time, and i feel like i'm going to pass out everytime i turn my head, or if i stand up too fast.  my potassium is pretty low (2.5), which has my eating disorder specialist freaked out...  she gave me that, "you can die from that," blah, blah, blah.  my ED specialist gave me a prescription-strength potassium script to get filled at the pharmacy, but my insurance won't cover it, so i threw the script away.  i'm aware that i can die from low potassium, but i don't care.  i didn't die when i was purging 30 times a day, so not eating won't kill me, either.  barb said i'm slowly killing myself.  slow suicide.  perhaps.

i need to go to bed.  early appointment tomorrow with my family doctor...

my life is falling apart, and i don't know what to do anymore...   i've lost over 30 pounds since the end of october because i've been eating next to nothing.  i just don't care anymore.  i talked to barb (my pastor's wife) on the phone this morning and she got tough with me.  she's been talking about how the "not eating much" thing has to change because after 3 weeks of talking about it, i haven't budged.  she knows i'm scared; she used to be anorexic.  she knows what i'm feeling.  but she said that i have to give up the control i'm hanging onto and let go.  she told me to call her when i get ready to eat lunch and she'll talk me through it.  is it bad that i haven't called her because i don't want to eat lunch?

i'm terrified that once i start eating i won't be able to stop.  i'm still fat, and i don't want to get REALLY fat again...

my last update was over 2.5 months ago... 

since october 6th, i haven't purged, cut or slept around with random men i've met online. 

since the end of october, however, i've lost close to 25 pounds...  i'm restricting BIG TIME.  not eating breakfast, not eating lunch, and only eating dinner.  fluid-wise, i'm only drinking enough to swallow my AM and PM medication, and i SOMETIMES let myself have some coffee... 

things suck.  and with christmas a few days away, i'm freaked out because i'm going to have to eat...  and i DO NOT want to gain any weight.