Journal

i need a new doctor!  i had a leep procedure done wed. to remove abnormal cells from my cervix.  I am new to the doctor who did the procedure.  I guess most places do this in the doctors office with no medication.  they just stick some needles in your cervix to numb you and that is it!?  why are we expected to just suck it up why should we have to.  well my hospital does this in the O.R.  so you get some sedatives to relax you and make you groggy ( i like that idea ).   well the doctor was over an hour late, didn't applogize to me just hte nurses,  I guess she was in her office waiting for them to contact her when they were ready?  is she stupid or something? 

then she tells me that i don't need to be groggy?!  she tells one of the nurses there that i don't need anything to make me groggy!!!!!!?  i said yea i want some medicine ( they gave me sedatives ) and ahe tells them that i need to be tougher!!!!!!!!!  who the fuck does she think she is?!   i don't trust her and i don't want to see her ever again.  I am suposed to go back in two weeks to have her check her work i will go for that but i am not going back again ever!!!!!  iwill find someone else to do the follow up  pap smears.  i need four in the next two years.

does she noe realize that being this stressed out will only slow down my healing and have a bad effect on my health.

well ihaven't been on here in forever, i haven't been doing so well and felt that i wouldn't be much use to anybody here.  so, i haven't been around much.

I am still not doing well.  I got rid of the abusive ex last june thought i was doing better but then i started having anxiety attacks related to his abuse.  Now i find out that i have abnormal cells growing on my cervix and i have to have these cells removed next week.  I am scared and angry.  why do i have to deal with all of these things at once?  how many times do i need to be knocked down before i stop getting up?  when is it going to be my time to be happy and fullfilled?  i guess it could be a hell of a lot worse, but couldn't it always be worse?  i am trying to look at the bright side at least they found the abnormal cells brfore they grew bigger the doctor said that most likely the procedure will take care of the problem.  still scared it seems that when you have a health problem your whole life gets put on hold until it is taken care of,  that pisses me off more than anything else.  i have to wait to really move forward until this is taken care of.